Bake Sale
by XpaperplaneX
Summary: While seeking a break from the stress of Nibelheim, Cloud accidentally saves the planet. The trick now, is in keeping it saved. This is pure crack, so consider yourselves warned. Further warnings are inside.
1. First Session

_**Title:**_ Bake Sale  
_**Chapter Title:**_ First Session  
_**Author:**_ XpaperplaneX  
_**Beta/Co-conspirator: **_Urplesquirrel  
_**Rating: **_NC-17  
_**Pairings:**_ Main: Sephiroth/Cloud. Others: Zack/Aerith, combinations of the above four characters, up to and possibly including Sephiroth/Cloud/Zack/Aerith  
_**Genre:**_ crack, humour, slash, het  
_**Warnings:**_ drug use (marijuana), smut, general nonsense  
_**Disclaimer:**_ I do not own FFVII and make no money from this work. I also don't in any way condone the use of drugs.  
_**Summary:**_ While seeking a break from the stress of Nibelheim, Cloud accidentally saves the planet. The trick now, is in keeping it saved. This is pure crack, so consider yourselves warned.

A/N: Umm... well, I blame Urplesquirrel. This is all her fault. I was just an innocent bystander, really. So, a bit of an explanation, PoW is kind of stressing me out what with the heart-wrenching and the tear-jerking, so I needed something fun to work on at the same time. So I'm taking a giant step away from the hurt/comfort genre and delving into crackfic. It was going to be a one-shot, but it ended up being a lot longer than I had originally intended, so it'll probably be a few chapters long at least. There's no smut in this chapter, but there probably will be in the future and I don't feel like doing individual chapter warnings or ratings. So there you have them.

XXX

Cloud sighed heavily. This mission was not going well at all. First the business at the reactor; General Sephiroth had apparently freaked out about something and Zack was in big panic. Then Genesis had attacked them as they were returning to Nibelheim and Cloud had been hurt rather badly while attempting to protect Tifa. And now Sephiroth had disappeared for days and Zack had no clue where he had gone. To top it all off, Cloud _still_ hadn't been brave enough to take off his stupid helmet in public.

Cloud rummaged through his rucksack, looking for his book to keep him occupied until Zack came back from looking for Sephiroth. His hand brushed against something else instead: a plastic bag. He hadn't planned to bring it, but it had been right there and he had known this mission would suck. He hadn't even planned on it sucking this much. He deserved a break. Cloud quickly pulled the bag out and tucked it into his uniform.

_Gone for a walk. Be back later._ Cloud scrawled a note for Zack and left it on the table. Where could he go? He thought of a few places he used to use when he was younger, but that had always been at night. People would definitely see him if he tried it during the middle of the day. He needed someplace away from everyone... the mansion. The Shinra Manor was the perfect place! It was out of the way, and no one ever went there, anyways. He could hole up in a room... maybe hotbox it... that would work wonderfully. He practically skipped down the path towards the mansion, only slowing to duck out of the way of Tifa. Not that she recognised him, anyways. Still, he didn't want to have to make up an excuse about where he was going.

The door opened with a loud creak and Cloud noticed fresh footprints in the layers of dust on the floor. Where to go, where to go? He creaked his way up the ancient staircase and peered in through the keyholes of a few rooms. Unfortunately, they were mostly locked, and the ones that weren't didn't look like a very comfy place to hang out. There was one that looked all right, though. In the western wing - heh, this place had wings - there was an unlocked room with a giant bed and a whole bunch of not-too-dusty pillows. That would do nicely. Cloud kicked his boots off and hopped onto the bed with a sort of childish glee.

He shut the door and made himself a little nest of pillows and blankets and pulled out his stash. Aerith was a _god_ of dealers. She grew the best shit in the back of her church, away from the flowers and out of sight of the children. And she gave him special deals too, since he was Zack's friend. She was the absolute, fucking _best_, no ifs, ands, or buts. Cloud took out one of his pre-rolled joints and lit it, inhaling deeply. A brief coughing fit later and Cloud was in heaven.

XXX

It was far off, but Sephiroth could hear the sound of someone giggling. It was annoying. He was trying to concentrate! Tonight... tonight he would go out and lay waste to the town that had imprisoned his mother. Tonight he would begin his arduous task of destroying this feeble planet for his mother. There was a loud thump and more giggling. Sephiroth growled and shut the book he was trying to read. He needed quiet! He stood and followed the source of the noise, intending to put a stop to it.

Following the laughter led him back the way he had come from, and up the long spiral staircase. He paused to listen at the secret door that led back into the mansion proper; it sounded like whoever was making the noise was right outside. He pressed the switch to activate the door and it slid silently open. A wall of strange smelling smoke greeted him.

"Dude, I wish I had some tunes..." a male voice trailed out of the smoke.

As the haze cleared, Sephiroth could make out a disheveled young trooper lying on the floor amid a pile of pillows and blankets that were trailing off the bed. It was that friend of Fair's; Strife was his name. Cloud Strife. Lying on the floor outside the entrance to the secret basement, smoking something. Cloud hadn't seemed to notice Sephiroth's appearance, which was a bit odd. People usually instinctively jumped to attention whenever Sephiroth entered a room. Usually whether they noticed him or not. And Strife had, until now, been no exception to the rule.

Sephiroth watched curiously, as Strife brought the odd-looking cigarette to his lips once again and then held his breath until he choked and began coughing. "That shit's good. I think this's her best batch yet."

Mother began saying something, telling him that he should go back to the basement; there was more research to be done.

"In a minute," he mumbled. The smoke was making him feel rather lightheaded and he didn't feel like going all the way back downstairs.

Strife heard him speak, however, and turned to look at him. "General! Where'd you come from, man?"

Sephiroth indicated to the open passage behind him.

"Whoa, that's fucked up, man. I swear that was a wall a minute ago." Cloud took another puff of his cigarette and giggled again. "Did you ever wonder where chocobos came from, sir?"

"No. I haven't. What are you doing, Cadet?"

"Relaxing. I'm stressed the fuck out and I need to relax. You should too, sir. Wanna hit?" Strife held out the cigarette.

Sephiroth hesitated. Smoking was bad, he had been taught that much, but it _did_ look like Strife was relaxed, as he said. He could go for some relaxation. He stepped cautiously into the room and let the door slide shut behind him.

"Come sit." Strife hauled another pillow of the bed and set it beside him with a pat.

"Why aren't you sitting on the bed?" Sephiroth asked as he removed Masamune from his harness and placed it against the wall.

"I fell off. I was seeing if I could swim through the pillows. Apparently I can."

"I see..." Sephiroth sat down on the pillow as indicated. Strife handed him the cigarette and Sephiroth held it carefully between his index finger and thumb. It wasn't the way he had seen most people holding cigarettes, but that was the way Strife was doing it. He brought it up to his lips and sucked. The tip glowed red and all Sephiroth could feel was burning in his throat. He coughed violently for what felt like several minutes and felt a small hand patting him on the back. "What the fuck was that?" he demanded when he had gotten his breath back.

"Aerith's best shit. Haven't you ever smoked up before?"

"Not that I'm aware of." Sephiroth coughed a few more times.

"Ah, well, it takes some getting used to. Try smaller drags at first. You'll start to feel it." Strife pulled a plastic bag over to him and took out another cigarette and lit it expertly.

"These aren't regular cigarettes, are they?"

"Umm, not really. It's pot, sir. Didn't you know?"

"No. I must have missed that lecture in the lab." Sephiroth cautiously held the 'pot' to his lips again and took a smaller 'drag' as prescribed. He managed not to cough that time. And he was feeling pretty good, too...

"What were you doing down there?"

"None of your business, Strife."

"Strife, strife, everything's a fucking strife around here. Chill out and call me Cloud."

"Cloud... I think your mother must have been smoking this stuff too."

"Probably, but she'll never admit it. So what were you doing down there? Is it top secret ShinRa stuff?" Cloud flopped to one side and landed with his head in Sephiroth's lap. "Oops... sorry, sir." He rolled over onto his back - head still in Sephiroth's lap - and looked up at him expectantly.

"I was planning to destroy the world."

"Why'd you wanna do that? The world has all sorts of neat shit in it. Like music and velcro and weed and all you can eat at ChocoBill's Diner."

"It's my destiny." Sephiroth took another drag and almost dropped it when the burning part hit his fingers. He giggled. That would have been bad. It would have fallen on Cloud's face. His rather pretty face... "Got another one of these?"

"You call this dead? This joint's not even close to finished." Cloud hauled Sephiroth's hand down to inspect the remains of the... joint? Was that what it was called?

"It burned my fingers."

"You're such a wimp; give it here." Cloud took the joint from him and held it delicately. He brought it up to Sephiroth's lips. "Smoke."

Sephiroth did as he was ordered, despite it striking him as oddly hilarious that a cadet was giving him orders. He wasn't sure how Cloud managed to not burn his fingers; the lit part was right next to them. Finally, Cloud declared the joint officially dead and pulled another one out of his plastic bag.

"If you smoke my whole stash, you're buying my next bag."

"Okay." That seemed reasonable. He could probably afford a lot more than a cadet could anyways.

"So it's your destiny, huh?"

"What?" Sephiroth was attempting to light his new joint with the lighter Cloud had given him and it wasn't going well. Maybe if he used materia instead... He set down the lighter and tried to activate the Fire materia in his bracer before remembering that it was in his sword. "Shit... that's far away. Move your head, Cloudy. I need my sword."

"What'cha need it for?"

"Fire." Sephiroth indicated to the still unlit joint.

"Thaaat... doesn't sound safe. You're such a baby. Can't light your own joint or finish one either." Cloud took the joint from him and lit it, blowing the smoke up into Sephiroth's face. "How're you ever going to manage to destroy the world?"

Sephiroth laughed; Cloud did have a point. "You could help me out."

"But I like it here," Cloud whined. "Where else am I gonna live?"

"I think I'm supposed to be a god... maybe I can do something god-like and make us our own world."

"But Aerith wouldn't be there... or Zack. I'd miss them. And Aerith's weed. I think you'd miss Aerith's weed too." Cloud handed the freshly lit joint to Sephiroth. "Wouldn't you?"

"It is pretty fucking awesome." Sephiroth was feeling more relaxed than he had in months. Years, probably.

"'Sides, destroying the world and making a new one sounds like _way_ too much work."

That was a good point. Destroying the world would probably mean moving...

"You're really pretty. Did you know that?" Cloud poked Sephiroth on the nose as he spoke.

"People tell me that a lot. Although... I don't think they say 'pretty'. You're pretty pretty too. Heh, pretty pretty. You look like a chocobo. Not that I think chocobos are pretty. Just you."

"General Sephiroth, sir." Cloud sat up and pointed an authoritative, if somewhat wobbly, finger at him. "_You_ are stoned. High as a kite and fried beyond all reckoning." With that, Cloud promptly fell over in a fit of giggles.

"I think you might be too, Cadet Strife." Sephiroth reached over to pull Cloud back into his lap, but leaned to far and overbalanced, falling on top of Cloud. In response to being squashed under Sephiroth's weight, Cloud took another hit from his joint and pulled Sephiroth's face down to his. He pressed Sephiroth's lips against his own and blew the smoke into his mouth. Sephiroth hadn't been expecting it and had to turn away while he coughed, but then turned his head right back. "Do that again."

Cloud complied and slowly blew the smoke into Sephiroth's open mouth while he inhaled. As he closed his mouth, he managed to catch Cloud's lower lip between his teeth and spent a moment sucking on it before he had to stop and exhale. Cloud looked mildly shocked when Sephiroth turned back to him.

Sephiroth shrugged. "You turn me on. And I'm hungry."

"So you're going to eat my lip?"

"Nah, but do you have any food?" Sephiroth didn't give Cloud a chance to answer; he just leaned down and planted several sloppy kisses on Cloud's lips. When he pulled back, Cloud was still looking shocked.

"You kissed me."

"Apparently. Did you like it?"

"Yes."

"Can I do it again?"

"You kissed me."

"Yes."

"And you want to kiss me again."

"Yes."

"Just thought I'd check. You really kissed me?"

"Can I do it again or not? If I can't, I want food."

"You can."

"Good." Sephiroth crushed his lips against Cloud's and shoved his tongue rather roughly into his mouth. He knew it was sloppy, and that the pot or weed or whatever it was was affecting his skills, but it didn't seem to matter as Cloud moaned softly and began kissing back. Sephiroth didn't pull away until he smelled something, other than the weed, burning. Even then, it was reluctant. He turned his head to the side and saw one of the smaller pillows smouldering; Cloud had dropped his joint on it. "Shit... that's a pain," Sephiroth sighed.

Cloud turned to see what Sephiroth was looking at and panicked. "Fire! Fire! Fire!" He shoved Sephiroth off of him and ran over to the door, fumbling with the handle.

"Calm down, Strife." Sephiroth lazily sat up and cast a weak Ice spell; that one, at least, had been in his bracer. "It's all better now. Come back." Sephiroth glanced around for something to put his own joint out on - that wouldn't catch fire - and grabbed a plate that a potted plant was resting on off the windowsill. He took a few more drags of it and then snuffed it out. "Get back here, Cloudy. The fire's out; you can stop looking so freaked." Sephiroth patted his lap, but Cloud just eyed the chunk of ice that used to be the pillow warily.

Sephiroth sighed and grabbed the pillow. He shoved the window open and tossed the pillow outside, then slammed it shut again to keep the smoke inside. "Better? The fire is out. The offending parties have been evicted. The danger is gone, so _please_ come back here." Sephiroth threw a few of the pillows back on the bed, and then flopped down, spread-eagled on it. He stared up at the ceiling, and the neat shapes he could see in the stucco, when he felt a weight on the bed next to him.

"What... what do you want from me?"

The panic about the fire seemed to have sobered Cloud up somewhat. Sephiroth supposed that was a good thing; what with the issues of consent and all. "I think you're cute, Cloud. And right now, fucking you seems a whole lot better than destroying the world." Cloud's eyes grew wide as saucers. The sexual harassment bitch at ShinRa would probably think that was an inappropriate thing to say, but he had barely paid attention to that lecture. "Wait... that didn't come out right. Umm... I think you're cute and... I'm kinda happy hanging out here with you. Eventual fucking would be nice, as you seemed to enjoy kissing... That's not coming out right either. Damn."

Cloud leaned over and kissed him again, softly this time. "You think I'm cute?"

"Like a chocobo. Only sexier." Sephiroth pulled Cloud down and rolled them over so Sephiroth was lying on top. He ran a hand through Cloud's hair. "A lot sexier."

XXX

"I'm hungry." Sephiroth lay sprawled on his back, panting slightly, with Cloud draped sideways over top of him.

"We should go find something to eat. I'm hungry too." Cloud pulled himself across Sephiroth, over to the edge of the bed, and somehow did a somersault off of it. He landed in a sitting position with a thump. "Ow."

"Ow," Sephiroth agreed.

"Where are my pants?"

Sephiroth glanced around. "Up here."

"Then why am I down here?"

"Because that's where you went."

"Oh."

Sephiroth rubbed at his temples; that noisy bitch was back, complaining about something. "Right... I have to destroy the world."

"I thought you weren't going to do that?"

"I wasn't, but I really should."

"Nah, what you really should do is have another toke." Cloud grabbed the half-smoked joint off the plate and lit it, holding it up above his head for Sephiroth to take.

He only hesitated a second. "This is the last one, then we have to eat." They passed the joint back and forth for a while, and Sephiroth was feeling nice and relaxed once more. Destroying the planet had once again retreated to the back of his mind.

"Do you think I can somersault backwards?" Cloud asked.

"Probably."

Cloud did something very strange then; he was trying to flip himself backwards, while he was still leaning against the side of the bed. Sephiroth watched curiously for a few moments before he figured it out. Cloud was trying to somersault back up onto the bed. That wasn't going to work at all. He held the joint between his lips so his hands were free, then reached down and grabbed Cloud's ankles. Cloud shrieked as Sephiroth heaved him up and over so he landed facedown on the bed with his ass pointing up at Sephiroth's face.

"What the hell are you doing?" Cloud yelled indignantly.

"Helping," Sephiroth explained. He gave Cloud's ass a sharp smack. "Aren't you happy? Now you're up here. And you're reunited with your pants. You never would have made it on your own."

"Would've."

"Nuh uh." Sephiroth took another quick drag and passed the joint back to Cloud. "Hurry up and finish that before I starve."

Cloud was more than happy to oblige and he quickly finished off the joint. He fumbled around for his pants and after a lot of falling, swearing, and hopping around with both legs in one pant leg, he managed to get them on. He stood up proudly and grabbed his shirt, eventually finding the neck hole. Sephiroth watched it all, giggling the entire time, until Cloud stared pointedly at him.

"You can't go out like that, you know."

Sephiroth looked down: buck-naked, that was no good. "Shit."

"Shit indeed. Now it's my turn to laugh."

Sephiroth picked up his pants with a feeling of trepidation. "Who looked at a cow and thought, 'Hey, let's skin it and turn it into super-tight pants that Sephiroth will have to cram his legs into when the only thing he feels capable of cramming is his dick into Cloud's ass'?

"I don't think anyone ever thought that."

"You'd be surprised at how much the world has conspired against me."

"Just hurry up and put them on. I want a giant bag of nacho chips and a pizza and ice cream and a slushy."

Sephiroth nearly drooled at the thought and hastily stuck his legs in those stupid leather pants. His feet got stuck halfway, and when he tried to stand to get them unstuck, he just fell over with a loud crash. Cloud looked rather purple from the lack of oxygen as he laughed, trying to help Sephiroth out. Eventually, Cloud managed to get his feet unstuck and helped pull them on the rest of the way. The jacket was a lot easier, but Sephiroth took one look at Masamune's harness and despaired.

"I should just carry it, shouldn't I? There might be monsters. I might have to protect you. It would be better to have it at the ready."

"You tell yourself that." Cloud jammed his feet into his boots and stood. "You know, your sword's really big. But you're not compensating for anything."

"Did you think I was?"

"Well, there are rumours, you know. You're either hung like a horse or, you know... not. I preferred to believe the former. Or is it the latter? Or maybe the ladder? Ugh, who knows; you've got a big dick, let's go." Cloud stumbled over to the door and inspected it carefully before slowly turning the knob. "You'll really protect me from monsters? That's so sweet!"

"Of course. I don't want the cutest chocobo I've ever met to get hurt."

"I'm not a chocobo!"

"Of course you're not. If you believe that hard enough, one day, a fairy will grant your wish. Now, onwards, to food!"

XXX

A/N: And that's chapter one. Yep. Definitely chapter one right there. *shuffles awkwardly* I make my own fun, okay! Anyways, hope you got a laugh out of it.


	2. How Many Hacks?

_**Title:**_ Bake Sale  
_**Chapter Title:**_ How Many Hacks?  
_**Author:**_ XpaperplaneX  
_**Beta/Co-conspirator: **_Urplesquirrel  
_**Rating: **_NC-17  
_**Pairings:**_ Main: Sephiroth/Cloud. Others: Zack/Aerith, combinations of the above four characters, up to and possibly including Sephiroth/Cloud/Zack/Aerith.  
_**Genre:**_ crack, humour, slash, het  
_**Warnings:**_ drug use (marijuana), smut, general nonsense  
_**Disclaimer:**_ I do not own FFVII and make no money from this work.  
_**Summary:**_ While seeking a break from the stress of Nibelheim, Cloud accidentally saves the planet. The trick now, is in keeping it saved. This is pure crack, so consider yourselves warned.

Wow, this was rather shockingly popular. Thanks everyone for all the reviews, faves, and alerts!

XXX

Cloud and Sephiroth stumbled out of the mansion, both hanging off of each other for dear life. It didn't help that the ground kept dodging. Every time Cloud went to put his foot down, it would dart further away, causing him to stumble. He had a sneaking suspicion that it was playing the same trick on Sephiroth. But since it didn't seem to have the coordination to prank them both at once, they somehow managed.

When they got downstairs, Sephiroth bravely sliced through a horrible balloon thing that, until Sephiroth saw it too, Cloud had thought he had imagined. He clung a little tighter to Sephiroth's arm after that; he was in no condition to defend himself, but it seemed that Sephiroth could still wield Masamune with some degree of effectiveness.

"Told you I'd protect you, Cloudy."

"Does it strike you as odd that you're protecting me from balloons?"

"They're called Dorky Faces," Sephiroth said wisely. "And yes, it does."

"Imagine if the balloon animals decided to rise up against their oppressive twisty masters and take over the world."

"I'd pop them for you, don't worry."

"Did I ever mention that you're my hero, sir? Who else could I rely on to pop balloons for me? I'll bet you don't even scream when they pop."

"Not even a peep."

They somehow had made their way down the path towards town when Zack came running towards them, waving his arms.

"There you two are! I've been looking for both of you all over," Zack gasped. "Where did you disappear to, Cloud? It's been hours; I was really worried."

"Umm... I found Sephiroth?"

"We fucked. And now we want food."

"Cloud... care to elaborate? What's wrong with him?"

"Uh, well, see, I had brought some of my stash and uh, I decided I deserved a break, so I went to go smoke some and Sephiroth found me. He seemed kinda stressed, so I offered him some, and now he doesn't seem to want to destroy the world anymore, so it's all good."

"You got Sephiroth high?"

"Yes." Sephiroth was swaying and fiddling with Cloud's hair. Cloud could feel him tugging the spikes in different directions and... was he braiding it?

"I always wondered what Sephiroth would be like on drugs. What was that about wanting to destroy the world?"

"I'm not really sure. He said it was his destiny."

"Yup," Sephiroth agreed.

Cloud shrugged. "So... he seems a lot happier now. I figure it's a good thing."

"I'm still fucking hungry, Cloudy."

"He called you Cloudy."

"Yeah... I- I don't know if I can get him to stop that now."

"Well, you're probably right about it being a good thing; he looked like he was going to snap when we were in the reactor. Probably the only way he'd be convinced to destroy the world in this state is if someone told him it was full of chocolate at the centre."

Sephiroth's head snapped up from where he had been smelling Cloud's hair. At least Cloud hoped that was what he had been doing. "There's chocolate at the centre of the planet?"

Cloud watched in awe as Sephiroth studied his surroundings and picked a likely? spot. He then proceeded to hack at the ground with Masamune, occasionally lobbing fire spells at it as well... to speed the process along, Cloud supposed.

"Seph! Sephiroth! Quit that!" Zack yelled and tried to grab Sephiroth's arm to stop him. "You're going to ruin the edge of your sword if you do that. Chill out and go buy a shovel."

Sephiroth shoved Zack off and continued attacking the ground. He was actually putting a good-sized dent in it.

"How about _you_ go buy him a chocolate bar instead," Cloud suggested. He would have gone himself, but Sephiroth had already smoked a good chunk of his stash; Zack could chip in a gil for a chocolate bar to save the world.

"All right, all right," Zack grumbled.

"And hurry up!" Cloud called. "Run!"

Cloud found a nice rock to sit on so he could watch the show while he waited. It was a good thing Sephiroth didn't have a Quake or something on him. Or if he did, he didn't remember it. He couldn't believe that he had had sex with Sephiroth. Sephiroth! The Silver Fucking General! That had been... well, kind of awkward, actually. Falling off the bed in the middle of things was a bit painful. So was only having spit to use as lube. But still, it was awesome, and it seemed like Sephiroth wanted to do it again. Maybe they could buy some proper lube after they got dinner. Fuck was he ever starving!

When Zack came jogging up the path, wielding a chocolate bar, Cloud was hard pressed not to grab it from him and eat it himself. But he told himself that Masamune needed it more than he did right now. That poor sword. "How many hacks would it take to get to the chocolaty centre of Gaia?" he mused out loud.

"You count, Cloud, we'll find out."

"Are you actually working up a sweat doing that, Seph?" Zack asked. "You sound kind of breathless."

"This shit is hard work!" Sephiroth complained.

"Well... you could keep working sooo hard, or you could eat this chocolate bar that's right here." Zack waved the candy in Sephiroth's face.

"That's... that's tempting." Sephiroth paused in his hacking.

"I know that planetary chocolate would be like 'whoa!'" Cloud said, "But _this_, this has peanuts _and_ caramel in it."

"Give it!" Sephiroth snatched the bar out of Zack's hand and tore the wrapping completely off. He sat down on Cloud's rock, bit off half of it in one bite and chewed slowly, like it was the best thing he had ever tasted.

Cloud found himself drooling at the sight and inched a little bit closer. Why hadn't Zack gotten one for him too? He was saving the world, dammit! Didn't he deserve a chocolate bar too?

"Whoever thought of putting chocolate and peanuts and caramel together was a fucking genius, man," Sephiroth mumbled around his mouthful. He took another bite as Cloud watched in fascinated jealousy.

"Did you ever notice how the caramel makes a sort of curly q when you pull it apart?" he asked.

Sephiroth took another bite and pulled the candy away slowly, so the caramel was stretched out quite far before it snapped. "That's fucking cool," he laughed. "Holy shit mother fucking Gaia! There's something silver in it!" Sephiroth knocked Cloud aside as he leapt to his feet in a panic. "Oh, wait. False alarm. Just a hair. Thought it was a shuriken."

"A... shuriken." Oh yeah, Zack was still there.

"Fucking sneaky ass Wutai ninjas. They've got spies everywhere, you know. They're always sneaking shuriken into things, waiting for me to be caught off guard." Sephiroth shoved the rest of the chocolate bar in his mouth. "That'll fucking teach the fuckers."

Cloud couldn't help but let out a soft cry at the disappearance of the chocolate. He... he had hoped that... maybe... Sephiroth would share, but...

"Are you okay, Cloudy? You look sad."

"You... you ate it. All. Up. It's gone. There... there was none for me." Cloud was near tears as he tried to explain the tragedy that his life had become.

"Cloud!" Sephiroth exclaimed. "I'm sorry! I didn't mean to! ZACK! Why didn't you feed my chocobo too?"

"Excuse me?"

"He's hungry!" Sephiroth at least understood the despair that Cloud was feeling. He grabbed Cloud by the waist and heaved him up over his shoulder. "Don't worry, Cloudy, I'll feed you." Sephiroth marched down the path and Cloud could see Zack shaking his head and sighing as he bent to retrieve Masamune.

"Zack has a nice ass." Zack was jogging now, to catch up with them. He had some nice thighs too...

"That he does. You wanted pizza, right?"

"Yes please! Hey, I wonder what everyone will say if they see you carrying me like a sack of potatoes?"

"I like potato sacks. They're very sackish."

"Me too. And sackish is a good word. You know it's a sack if it's sackish."

"You're less lumpy than potatoes though."

"That's good. I'd hate to be as lumpy as a potato."

"And you don't have weird tentacles growing out of you."

"What kind of potatoes do you eat?"

"Zack's."

"Ah, I see." It all made sense now. "Zack!" he shouted. "Your potatoes are tentacular!"

"What the fuck are two idiots on about now?" Zack caught up and glared at Cloud.

"How you're feeding Sephiroth 'Things What Came From The Deep' disguised as potatoes."

"Right. Remind me not to ask next time. Where are you guys going?"

"Left!" Sephiroth turned in the direction Cloud pointed. "No, no! The other left! Your left! Pizza shop's down that street."

"Yes, sir!" Sephiroth did a sharp about face and marched them down the street towards the smell of pizza with Zack trailing behind.

XXX

"Four larges with everything on them," Sephiroth told the fish-like man at the counter. "What do you want on your pizzas, Cloud? And how many and what size?"

"You're ordering four larges just for yourself, Seph?" Zack asked incredulously.

"Well, yeah. I mean, we're going to get chips and stuff too, so it should be enough."

"I want a large pepperoni and mushroom and a large barbeque chicken. With extra cheese on both. And twisty bread."

"That sounds good. Three more orders of the twisty bread."

"You guys are going to be so sick. Are you planning on putting Cloud down anytime soon?"

"No and no. Why?"

"It's just, you're attracting a rather large amount of attention."

Hmm, Fish-man's eyes did seem a bit larger now than when they first walked in. He hadn't thought such a thing would have been possible. And everyone in the restaurant seemed to be staring as well. Sephiroth slowly waved his hand at them. That looked kind of cool. He did it again. Neat...

"Will that be all?" Fish-man asked nervously.

"What do you want, Zack?"

"I'll just grab a few slices of yours."

Sephiroth reached for Masamune, but only found Cloud. Shit! Zack had her, sneaky little rat bastard thief. "You're not fucking _touching_ my pizza! Do that and I'll rain down fire on this planet until nothing remains but a floating ball of ash."

"Order your own pizza, you mooch," Cloud piped up while he patted Sephiroth on the head. That had to be awkward to do, given his current position.

"Umm... I'll get a medium meat-lovers, then." Zack was mouthing something at Fish-man and Sephiroth was curious to know what he was trying to say.

"Pook pook pook." Sephiroth pursed his lips together and attempted to communicate with Fish-man as well. Apparently the man was uneducated in any sort of fish dialects, however, and he just stared blankly.

"That'll be 119 gil, please."

"Get my wallet out, would you, Cloudy?" It seemed like an awful lot of effort to reach around to his ass when Cloud was _right_ there. Cloud was even kind enough to cop a feel while he was fishing it out of his pocket.

"Mission complete, sir. Here you go."

Sephiroth took the wallet from Cloud. "Good job, cadet." He shot a glare at the table of laughing teenagers in the corner. They appeared to be laughing at them, but Sephiroth was at a loss as to why.

"It'll be about forty-five minutes before the pizzas are ready... sirs. Would you like to go somewhere else while you wait? If you leave a number, we can call you when they're ready."

Sephiroth despaired at the thought of waiting for so long; Cloud would starve by then! He patted Cloud's ass in an attempt to soothe him. There was too much despair going around today; he would have to try to make it better. "We'll go get more snacks while we wait. Okay, Cloud? It'll be okay, you won't die."

"Yay! Thank you, sir."

"We want take-out," he told Fish-man. Those 'teenagers' were rather shifty-looking. Sephiroth didn't want to risk eating with them. They were probably Wutai ninjas in disguise and would most likely try to poison his food. So with that, he turned and left the pizza shop in search of somewhere that they could buy more snacks.

He spotted a convenience store a ways down the street and headed towards it, but Cloud started smacking him on the ass. "Go in there! Go in there!" He was pointing towards a drugstore. Sephiroth noticed Zack running to catch up with them again, so he waited a moment before going into the store Cloud wanted.

"What do you need from here?" Sephiroth asked.

"Yeah, Cloud. You need a prescription for the drugs here," Zack said.

"Luuuuube! I want luuuuube!" Cloud shouted, causing every head in the store to turn and stare. "I'm not taking your fucking horse cock again without lube!"

"Shit, Cloud, shut the fuck up!" Zack attempted to clamp a hand over Cloud's mouth, but Sephiroth spun him out of reach.

"That's a very good idea, Cloudy." Sephiroth was quite proud of Cloud's foresight. He had completely forgotten about the difficulties they had encountered. He marched down the aisles, searching for the one that would have lube in it. He heard Cloud grabbing a few things off the shelves as they walked by; Sephiroth was certain it was all stuff they needed. Finally he found the lube section and studied it carefully. "What kind do you want?"

"Umm, put me down and let me see."

"Don't want to put you down, Zack might steal you away." Instead, Sephiroth turned around so his back was to the lube selection.

"You guys really did have sex, didn't you?" Zack asked.

"Of course we did. I told you we fucked." Was Zack some sort of idiot? How could he think it was possible that he_ hadn't_ had sex with Cloud?

"I know, I just-"

"Boo." Cloud suddenly said.

"Boo what?"

"There's only boring lube. Small town drug stores suck. I wanted sour cherry flavour."

Sour cherry flavoured Cloud... "We'll get some of that as soon as we get back to a real city."

"Okay," Cloud sighed. "We can use this for now." Sephiroth heard Cloud grab something off the shelf.

"Are we good to go?"

"Yep."

Sephiroth headed for the register. He spun around again so Cloud could put the items on the counter, then again so he could pay. "Ooh, stickers."

"And glitter."

"I am _not _cleaning you two up in the morning," Zack said vehemently.

Whatever, Sephiroth thought. "Wallet."

"You still have it."

"I do?"

"Well, you never gave it back to me, so I assume so."

"It's... it's in your hand, sir," the pimple-faced teen at the counter spoke up and pointed nervously.

"Huh." Sephiroth stared in amazement at the chunk of leather in his hand. "So it is." He fished out the gil to pay for everything and handed the wallet back to Cloud. "Put that back for me, would you?" Cloud rummaged around for a while back there, touching far more than was necessary - not that Sephiroth minded - until he declared the wallet safely stored. The cashier handed him his bag. "Oh, tell your manager that your lube selection is terrible. Cloud and I were very disappointed."

The cashier just blinked and nodded. Sephiroth supposed that meant he was agreeing to do as he had been told. Where was a good old fashioned 'Yes, sir' when you needed one? He was a general after all. People ought to listen to him. And if they didn't want to listen to him because they weren't in the army, they should at least listen to him because he was also a god. Stupid humans. At least Cloud listened to him. Zack was looking a little mutinous, though... "I paid for your pizza!" he shouted on the way out.

"Thank you, sir," Cloud said. "And thank you for buying lube."

"You're welcome, Cloudy, but I didn't mean you. Your _friend_ over there is looking at me like I'm inconveniencing him."

"I'm just trying to keep the damage to a minimum," Zack sighed. "You two aren't making it easy. Where do you plan on eating, anyways? You can't smoke up in the inn."

Sephiroth gave Zack his look of infinite patience, or maybe it was his look of short patience. "I'm _Sephiroth_."

"But the bed at the mansion was nicer than the beds at the inn," Cloud said.

"That's quite true. The beds at the inn were rather small weren't they?"

"And they didn't have pillows you can swim in, either. But we should still swing by the inn though, the rest of my stash is in my pack."

"How much did you bring, Cloud?" Zack demanded.

"Meh, enough. I like to be prepared. And if I'm going to bring some, I usually bring it all."

"You have a problem, Cloud."

"General Sephiroth doesn't think so."

"No, he doesn't," Sephiroth agreed.

"Only because he's too high to think straight."

Sephiroth sighed, "Stop picking on my chocobo, Fair. It's not nice and if you make him cry, I'll be very upset."

"My point exactly."

XXX

Zack's phone rang a short while after their trip back to the inn, while they were still browsing the snacks at the convenience store. Sephiroth had decided to let Cloud down while they shopped. It meant more free arms for carrying food. They got the biggest slushy cups the store had and used every flavour. There was a growing pile at the counter; Cloud knew about all sorts of really good sounding snacks that Sephiroth was dying to try out. Anything Cloud even _looked_ at ended up on the counter.

"If I go pick up the pizzas, will you two try not to do anything too insane here?" Zack hung up his phone and asked.

"We're just shopping, Zack. We can handle shopping. You'd better not eat my pizza."

"I won't lay a finger on your pizza. I'll meet you back here. _Don't_ go anywhere else."

"Yes, sir." Sephiroth stuck out his tongue at Zack's back.

Zack showed up again just as they were paying for their loot and figuring out how they were going to carry it all. In the end, Sephiroth gave the slushy cups to Cloud and loaded himself up with all the bags. After all, what was the point in having super-strength if he didn't put it to good use? Cloud kept running ahead as they made their way back to the mansion, yelling at them to hurry up, he was starving.

XXX

A/N: Who would've ever guessed that Zack might end up being the responsible party?


	3. Slip and Slide

_**Title:**_ Bake Sale  
_**Chapter Title:**_ Slip and Slide  
_**Author:**_ XpaperplaneX  
_**Beta/Co-conspirator: **_Urplesquirrel  
_**Rating: **_NC-17  
_**Pairings:**_ Main: Sephiroth/Cloud. Others: Zack/Aerith, combinations of the above four characters, up to and possibly including Sephiroth/Cloud/Zack/Aerith.  
_**Genre:**_ crack, humour, slash, het  
_**Warnings:**_ *updated!* drug use (marijuana), smut, bdsm, voyeurism & exhibitionism, general nonsense  
_**Disclaimer:**_ I do not own FFVII and make no money from this work.  
_**Summary:**_ While seeking a break from the stress of Nibelheim, Cloud accidentally saves the planet. The trick now, is in keeping it saved. This is pure crack, so consider yourselves warned.

Okay, Urplesquirrel convinced me to post this now, so here you go. The new chapter of PoW probably won't be up until Tuesday.

I saw my first movie in a Japanese theatre. It had reserved seats! Really comfy seats too. And I got a student discount! I saw the Sorcerer's Apprentice. It was pretty good. But I was very glad that I didn't need to try to read the subtitles. They used some wacky font and it took me ages to figure out that the scribble that looked like a squiggly line on top of a C was supposed to be そ. I hate it when they use different fonts! Just because we do it with Roman letters doesn't mean that other people with different syllabaries should be allowed...

XXX

Zack set the pizza boxes down on the desk in the large room and looked around. It seemed like a pretty normal room for a mansion, except for the stench and Cloud said there was a magic wall in it. Sephiroth had just grunted and said that they wouldn't be touching the magic wall. There was nothing past it that he wanted to see right now. Zack carefully avoided looking at the stains of the rumpled bedspread. He rather hoped that they'd behave themselves while he was here... although from the way they had been all over each other in town, he doubted that was likely. Zack sighed, why did he always end up stuck playing babysitter? Maybe once he was sure they weren't going to implode or something, he could indulge a little too.

Sephiroth and Cloud collapsed onto the floor after grabbing a pizza box each. Cloud crawled over to Sephiroth's lap and made himself cozy while they both shoveled slice after slice of pizza into their mouths. When Sephiroth had finished off his first pizza and Cloud had gotten through about half of his, Cloud hauled out his final joint. "We'll use the pipe after this; I don't feel like rolling more joints." He quirked his eyebrow at Sephiroth and spoke again, "I think you'll have a bit more luck with a pipe anyways. It won't burn your poor sensitive fingers."

Sephiroth smiled wickedly. "I just wanted you to hold it for me."

"Pish, yeah right. You were all 'Owie, owie, it's too hot, Cloudy. It hurts!'"

Zack stared. Was Cloud _teasing_ Sephiroth? And was Sephiroth _allowing _it? That just didn't fit with anything he knew about the man. The two passed the joint back and forth until they were giggling heaps on the floor once again. They were talking about chocobos... again. What was with their chocobo obsession? He got it that the birds were a bit weird, but... Being high probably made them seem a lot weirder.

Zack focused all his attention on his own pizza when Sephiroth suddenly pounced and pinned Cloud underneath him. He saw out of the corner of his eye, Sephiroth violently attacking Cloud's neck, biting and licking it. He grew more than a little concerned when he saw blood.

"Cloud, are you okay?" Sephiroth was pinning Cloud's hands above his head and straddling his hips. There was no way Cloud would be able to get out from underneath if he wanted to. "Do you want me to stop him?"

"Nope," Cloud giggled, "I'm good."

"Cloud, he's biting you hard enough to make you bleed." Maybe Cloud didn't realise it.

"I'm good, Zack. It feels nice. And Seph'll heal me after if I need it. Won't you?"

"Uh huh." Sephiroth was grinding his hips down onto Cloud and he grunted his reply.

"See? No worries." Cloud _did_ look extremely happy as he writhed as much as he could with Sephiroth pinning him down.

There was a tearing sound and the two pieces of fabric that was once Cloud's shirt hit Zack in the face. "Right. I'll just, um, go... get you some new clothes." Zack stood and attempted to get the door open, but the two dry humping on the floor were blocking it. "If you guys could just move a little..." Neither showed any sign of having heard him. That was just great. Sephiroth was biting all over Cloud's chest now, leaving little marks everywhere and causing Cloud to squeal and moan and shit... he was getting hard.

He shouldn't be watching this. He _wasn't _watching this. Nope. He had a lovely girl back home and he was _not_ watching Sephiroth pull his own shirt over his head and he _wasn't_ staring at that muscled expanse of pale white skin. And he definitely wasn't looking at Cloud's semi-parted bright red lips that looked a bit swollen from being kissed so hard and wishing he could kiss them too.

Nope. This wasn't turning him on at all. Zack concentrated with all his might on the one brick wall in the room, wholeheartedly ignoring the blissful sounds and the scent of arousal coming from behind him. His concentration wavered a bit when he heard belt buckles being undone and two heavy lumps of fabric hitting the floor shortly afterwards, but he held firm. He _wasn't_ watching.

"Zack. ZACK!" Sephiroth yelled. "Where the fuck's the lube? I can't find it!"

"Umm... I think..." Shit, couldn't Sephiroth look for it himself? It's not like _he_ knew either. Zack shielded his eyes and turned around, looking for the drugstore bag. He couldn't help but notice Cloud lying spread-eagled on the floor, panting and covered in bite marks. That... that was hot. _Cloud _was hot, and Sephiroth hovering between his spread legs was also insanely hot. Lube, right, he had to look for the lube so that Sephiroth could fuck Cloud while he was stuck here, trying not to look or listen or come in his fucking pants. "Why don't you guys move up to the bed? That would be a lot more comfortable, wouldn't it?"

"Hmm..." Sephiroth seemed to ponder whether moving that far was worth the effort.

Zack found the bag containing the lube and tossed it up onto the bed. He stared in mild shock when it actually worked and Sephiroth heaved Cloud up and onto the bed. Cloud bounced limply on the bed and Sephiroth flipped him over and propped him up so his ass was sticking up. Not that Zack was watching. In fact, he was going to go right now. He'd hang out downstairs until they were done.

"Zack! I can't open this thing!"

"Hurry _up_, Sephiroth..." Cloud whined.

"I'm trying! This thing is all wrapped up and I can't get into it! Zack! Help me!"

Zack sighed and inched over to the bed where Sephiroth was holding out the sealed lube. He took it out of the box and twisted the cap off, then peeled back the foil seal. He put the cap back on and handed it back to Sephiroth, avoiding looking at how Cloud was waving his ass in the air. "Here. Have fun."

He took two steps towards the door before he paused. They'd probably need help with something else soon enough; he could wait until they were a bit further along before he left. After all, he didn't want to have to come all the way back upstairs again for something stupid. He determinedly faced the wall away from the bed.

There was a squirting sound and Cloud shrieked and Sephiroth laughed maniacally at the same time.

"That's cold!"

"That's the best sound ever!"

"It was kinda cool, wasn't it? Do it again!"

There was another squirting sound and they both laughed this time. Idiots. Several more squirts followed. Just how much lube did Sephiroth plan on using? He chanced a glance back at the bed; Cloud had two swirly blobs of lube, one on each ass cheek and a curved line that went just above his thighs. General Sephiroth was drawing a smiley face with lube on his subordinate's ass. Sephiroth added a tongue and some hair as Zack stared in horror. He felt torn between wanting to take a picture and wishing he could curl into a ball in the corner and die. This was _not_ what he had joined ShinRa for.

Zack couldn't keep himself from continuing to stare as Sephiroth began spreading the lube around, pushing it into Cloud's crack and spreading him open. Cloud was moaning and rocking his ass against Sephiroth's fingers that were inside him. A particularly loud yell made Zack jump, but he realised that Sephiroth must have just found Cloud's sweet spot. Shit... he was not going to watch this. But Sephiroth picked up the lube again and began spreading it over his erection. Then he squirted out some more lube and reached between Cloud's spread legs. It was too much, Zack attempted to adjust his pants to ease some of the pressure, but it was really too much and he _couldn't _leave now. Not when they were about to...

"Put it in me, Sephiroth. Please, fuck me. Please, please, please."

"I like it when you beg for me, Cloudy," Sephiroth purred. "What do you want?"

"I want you to fuck me, Sephiroth. Shove your dick up my ass and fuck me into oblivion."

Shit, Zack hadn't even realised that Cloud had had sex before this. He seemed way to innocent for that sort of thing. Hearing him begging to be fucked was a little surreal. Sephiroth shook the tube a few times and squeezed out the last drops. Holy shit, had he actually used the entire tube? Sephiroth tossed it aside, nearly hitting Zack again, and grasped Cloud by the hips, lining himself up. Right, time to be going.

"Stop teasing, Seph," Cloud suddenly whined. "Put it _in!_"

"I'm trying," Sephiroth grunted. "And I'm not teasing, your ass keeps dodging." Zack paused, was Sephiroth missing?

"Well, hurry up!"

"You're too slippery! Why does it keep slipping?"

Zack stood stock-still; should he get them a towel? Help them out? He doubted that would even work.

"I'm not too slippery. Just put it in!"

"Hold still."

"I _am_ holding still."

"Well your ass sure as hell isn't. There's no way I'd keep missing."

Zack couldn't keep quiet any longer. "Sephiroth, you used an entire bottle of lube on him, in him, on yourself... It ain't happening. Not without a shower and possibly an enema."

"Dammit, it's _dodging!_"

"Well put _something _in there. I don't care what! I just want something, _anything_, in my fucking ass! NOW!"

Sephiroth looked around and picked up one of the empty slushy cups. Cloud twisted around to see what he had and his eyes grew wide. "NO! Not that! Too big!"

"You just said you didn't care what!"

"Within reason! I meant within reason!"

"It's reasonable." Sephiroth sounded rather pouty.

"It's bigger that my head! That's _not_ reasonable!"

"Umm..." Sephiroth looked around again. "There's that flashlight of yours."

"O-"

"No!" Zack said forcefully. "Just no. I am _not_ dealing with the aftermath of inappropriate objects used as sex toys. Use your fingers, Seph." Zack cringed inwardly. He hadn't really just said that to his CO, had he?

"Fine, but when we get back to Midgar, we're buying flavoured lube and a vibrator."

"Can it be purple?"

"We'll get a custom made purple one if they don't come in purple."

"That's just great. You two can go on a shopping spree at the porn store like you did at the convenience store. I hope you don't drop a bag this time."

"I meant to drop it," Sephiroth argued.

"Yeah right, you-"

"Sephiro~th! Stick your fucking fingers in me now! I'm getting bored here!"

"You're such a bitch when you're horny, Cloud," Zack said.

"Bitches do it better! So there!"

"I don't think I've ever heard that phrase before, Cloud."

"I made it up. So what? It's true. And now I can say that the phrase 'blonds have more fun' is also completely and totally true."

Zack gave up on trying to convince himself to leave as Sephiroth flipped Cloud over and proceeded to finger-fuck him while he rutted against him. Despite the absolute train-wreck that this whole thing had become, it was still managing to be incredibly hot. He was past the point of being able to adjust his pants any further without actually taking them off, but it didn't stop him from trying. Cloud was screaming, "Harder! Harder!" And Sephiroth was grunting like an animal in a mating frenzy as he drove himself down onto Cloud's erection.

Zack was rather disturbed by how turned on he was by this. He was straight, wasn't he? But Cloud was so hot with his legs splayed widely and Sephiroth's hair was pooling around them. Cloud was clinging to it rather desperately and why hadn't Zack ever noticed how perfect Cloud's ass was? No. No, he thought. He was straight. Even if he _was_ a bit on the bi-side of things, he had a great girl back home whom he loved dearly. Zack attempted to ease the pressure in his pants again, but the contact just made it worse.

Sephiroth grunted and bit down on Cloud's shoulder, causing him to wail loud enough to wake the dead. They continued thrusting against each other for a while longer until Sephiroth finally slowed down and collapsed in a heap on top of Cloud. When Sephiroth shifted downwards and began licking Cloud's stomach clean, Zack finally fled the room. He found the nearest lockable room and slammed the door shut behind him, whipping his pants down as fast as he could. He was so on edge that he came almost immediately and felt a fresh wave of guilt. He had gotten off to watching two guys going at it. And it felt fucking amazing. What kind of chocolates are you supposed to get your girl after you do something like that?

He cleaned himself up and slowly crept back to the room, trying to hide his embarrassment. Hopefully they had had enough time to finish up; he really didn't think he could handle walking in on another porn scene.

Zack breathed a sigh of relief when he poked his head in and saw that one of them had at least had the decency to pull the sheet up over their waists. They were curled together like cats and Zack heard a faint rumbling sound. It sounded... a bit like purring, actually.

The purring stopped and Sephiroth murmured, "You didn't have to leave, you know. We wouldn't have minded."

Zack paused, did Sephiroth not realise he had stayed for the whole thing?

"Yeah, I wanted to see you, Zack."

"See me?"

"You ran out to go jerk off, didn't you?"

Zack froze. Had he been that obvious? A few moments of extremely awkward silence passed until Sephiroth began waving the arm that wasn't wrapped around Cloud.

"Pizza," he grunted in a primal fashion.

Zack grabbed another pizza box and set it on the bed on Sephiroth's side.

"Mine too, please."

Zack sighed and handed Cloud his as well. "At least you're less bitchy now."

"I like him when he's bitchy," Sephiroth said around a mouthful of cold pizza. "It's way better than someone who just lies there and takes it."

"And I said 'please' when I wanted him to fuck me. I was very polite."

"That's true," Zack figured he might as well concede the point. There was really no point in arguing with stoned people. And he supposed he should just be grateful that they had forgotten about him running away to jerk off. But... had Sephiroth really meant it when he said they wouldn't have minded? They hadn't seemed to mind him watching, but Zack hadn't even been sure they knew he was there. He sighed and grabbed a slice of his own pizza; this was way too complicated to think about right now.

"Come sit on the bed, Zack," Cloud said. "You look uncomfortable there."

Zack looked over at them; he must have looked like a deer caught in the headlights because Sephiroth laughed. Hard. "I'm not going to molest you; I'm good for now. Get your ass over here and bring me that rootbeer while you're at it. And Cloud's pants. That's where the weed was, right?"

"Are you sure you need more right now?"

"Yes, I'm sure. That noisy bitch is back and I was enjoying myself and she gives me a headache. The weed makes her shut the fuck up. I want more."

"Okay, okay. Calm down." Zack grabbed the rootbeer and pants and sat carefully on the bed, avoiding the stains and wet spots as best he could. That didn't leave a lot of places to sit, unfortunately. He ended up a bit closer to Sephiroth than he really wanted to be. Sephiroth was easily distracted, however, by Cloud teaching him how to pack a pipe and light it and Zack breathed easily. If he was lucky, they'd pass out soon and he could go get some sleep.

XXX

A/N: Poor Zack...


	4. The Burden of Responsibility

_**Title:**_ Bake Sale  
_**Chapter Title:**_ The Burden of Responsibility  
_**Author:**_ XpaperplaneX  
_**Beta/Co-conspirator: **_Illiadandoddity on DW, Doom Squirrel here  
_**Rating: **_NC-17  
_**Pairings:**_ Main: Sephiroth/Cloud. Others: Zack/Aerith, combinations of the above four characters, up to and possibly including Sephiroth/Cloud/Zack/Aerith.  
_**Genre:**_ crack, humour, slash, het  
_**Warnings:**_ drug use (marijuana), smut, bdsm, voyeurism & exhibitionism, general nonsense  
_**Disclaimer:**_ I do not own FFVII and make no money from this work.  
_**Summary:**_ While seeking a break from the stress of Nibelheim, Cloud accidentally saves the planet. The trick now, is in keeping it saved. This is pure crack, so consider yourselves warned.

I started class again today, which sucked. I thought I had until Monday. So now I'm tired and cranky. I have far fewer ducklings to take care of than I thought I did. Which is good, because I'm not a very good mother duck, and bad, because with only one other native English-speaker, I think I'm going to get sick of her _very_ quickly. I'm making bets with myself about how long it will take her to realise that I don't like being touched.

Anyways, have some crack; it's good for the soul.

XXX

Zack found an empty bedroom on the opposite side of the mansion and made his way there after Cloud and Sephiroth had stuffed themselves and passed out in each other's arms. He flopped down on the large bed, exhausted. It wasn't really that late, but looking after two stoned idiots was hard work. Not to mention feeling guilty about... ugh, he'd think about it in the morning. He stripped down to his boxers and shut off the light, collapsing on the bed once again.

Excited shrieking woke him from a dead sleep what felt like minutes later. Zack fumbled around for his watch or PHS or anything that might tell him what gods-forsaken hour of the night it was. When he finally found his PHS and flipped it open, he was momentarily blinded by the backlight. Blinking away the spots, he squinted at the screen: 3:17. AM. Bastards. At least it sounded like happy, but not sex-induced happy, shrieking. He rolled out of bed and grabbed his pants to go see what they were doing.

As he fumbled with his pants, he listened a bit more carefully to the noise in hopes of a hint about what he'd be walking in on. They were both yelling, "GO!" at the tops of their lungs and then there would be a couple of thumping sounds, followed by the sounds of them running up the stairs. As he poked his head around the corner, Zack's suspicions were confirmed; Cloud and Sephiroth were sliding down the twin banisters, apparently racing each other. At least they were wearing underwear now.

"It's no fair," Cloud was saying as he took the stairs, two at a time. "You weigh more than me, so you can get more speed."

"I'll give you the inside track as a handicap, how about that?"

"There _is_ no inside track!"

"Oh. Head start then? Or maybe we can grease up your banister or something."

Zack suddenly found himself extremely grateful that they had used all the lube. Sephiroth could survive idiocy like that, but Cloud would most likely end up with a fractured skull if he was lucky.

"Give him a head start, Sephiroth," Zack said.

"Zack!" Cloud hopped excitedly. He seemed more hyper than high, actually. Maybe they had gotten into all the candy they had bought. "Come race with us!" Cloud hopped up onto his banister and wobbled dangerously as he waved Zack over. "Will you watch and tell Sephiroth when he can go?"

"Sure, Cloud, I can do that." Zack glanced over at Sephiroth and was amused to see an expression of child-like glee on his face. Poor guy had probably never had a chance to do anything like this before in his life. Maybe someday he'd take him to Gongaga where they had poles instead of staircases. He didn't think any child escaped that village without at least one broken limb as a result. "All right, you guys ready? Cloud, on your mark, get set, go!"

Cloud was off like a shot down the banister and Zack motioned for Sephiroth to go shortly afterwards. Damn, he didn't think it was possible to employ SOLDIER powers when it came to racing down banisters, but Sephiroth was just a blur and hit the bottom well before Cloud, despite his head start.

"You cheat, Sephiroth!" Cloud shouted as he landed.

"No I don't! And what are you doing?"

Cloud was spinning in circles, apparently trying to get a better look as his butt. "I think I got a splinter."

"And to think Angeal called _you_ a puppy, Zack." Sephiroth went over to Cloud and knelt to look at his ass. "Where?"

"Around there somewhere." Cloud pointed to the back of his leg where his thigh met his butt. Zack couldn't help but give a small sigh of relief. At least it wouldn't require the removal of Cloud's shorts. "Ow!"

"Got it. Want me to kiss it better?"

"No, you pervert!" Cloud clapped his hands over his ass and ran away, although not very far, as though he was daring Sephiroth to chase him. Zack hurriedly headed back up the stairs as Sephiroth smirked evilly; he didn't want to be there for that.

XXX

Sephiroth finally tackled Cloud; it was fun working up his adrenaline chasing him around, and now he wanted to enjoy his prey. But something caught the corner of his eye. "Hey, wasn't there only one chair in that room earlier?" he asked, pointing to the partially open door in front of them.

Cloud twisted around so he could see what Sephiroth was pointing at. Sephiroth even let him up so he could see properly. "Sephiroth," he said very, very quietly, "Why is that chair upside-down? Sephiroth," Cloud's voice was getting a bit louder, "Why is it upside-down? WHY IS THE CHAIR UPSIDE-DOWN, SEPHIROTH! WHY! WHY~!"

"Umm... ghosts?" he suggested.

That was apparently the wrong answer as it caused Cloud to start shrieking incoherently and running around the foyer in a panic. Sephiroth watched him run at top speed, occasionally picking things up and dropping them seconds later, or tossing them in the general direction of the door. He wasn't entirely sure what to do in a situation like this; it certainly killed his erection in a hurry when it seemed like Cloud was genuinely afraid.

"Ghosts! _Ghosts!_ They're coming for us!"

"What the _fuck_ are you two doing now?" Zack's voice behind him sounded very grumpy. "I just got back to sleep, you assholes."

Sephiroth shrugged and pointed at the doorway. "The chair is upside-down."

"Well, stop standing there like an idiot, Seph! Calm him down, or at least keep him from hurting himself." Zack managed to say that at the exact moment when Cloud tripped over an upturned bit of carpet and fell flat on his face. He slid for a couple of feet and got right back up again with blood running down his chin.

When Cloud clipped himself on the corner of the banister with an unnaturally loud crack, and hard enough that he spun around before continuing his panicked run, Sephiroth stepped out and grabbed onto him. He squeezed Cloud tightly and gave him a shake. "Calm down!" he ordered. "There's no ghost out there that could possibly be as scary as me, and you've fucked me multiple times already."

Cloud suddenly stopped squirming. "The ghosts want to fuck me?" he asked in a very small voice.

"No, the ghosts don't want to fuck you. Well, maybe they do, but I won't let them. What I meant was that you're not scared of me, and I'm a lot scarier than the ghosts. So why should you be scared of them? And no one but me is going to fuck you, okay?"

"Okay... You won't let them get me?"

"Nope, your ass is all mine."

"Great," Zack interrupted their heartfelt moment. "Now that we have that all settled and there will be no more screaming, shrieking, banging or noise in general, I'm going back to bed. I suggest you two do the same. Goodnight."

"But wait," Cloud said, apparently not paying attention to Zack at all, "My ass has to be _my_ ass. It's attached to me. And your ass is your ass. It's attached to you. My ass can't be your ass."

"I meant that I'm the only one who's allowed to put anything in your ass."

"Oh, okay, but no slushy cups."

"No slushy cups. Purple vibrators are good though, right?"

"Yep. And fingers. And generally stuff that's attached to you."

"Hmm..." Sephiroth pondered what else he could put in Cloud's ass. Fingers naturally lead to hands, which would lead to arms. Feet didn't seem like it would be very fun for either of them. Tongue? What about materia? That wasn't attached to him, but maybe Cloud would let him try. It was smaller than a slushy cup, at any rate. "Let's go back upstairs before Zack comes down and yells again. I should heal your face, too. That's going to scar."

"My face?"

"Yeah, that thing attached to your head that's all covered in blood. Seriously, Cloudy, it's just ghosts. No big deal."

"Ghosts are scary," Cloud insisted.

XXX

Once again, it felt like only moments later that Zack was woken up. This time, it was the squeaking of bedsprings that woke him. He pulled the pillow over his head; he didn't want to know.

"Woosh!" Sephiroth's voice seemed way too loud. Who the fuck yells 'woosh' when they're having sex?

"Do it again! Do it again!" Cloud was shouting as well.

"Woosh!"

"I wanna try!"

There was a bit of quiet, and then Cloud also shouted, "Woosh!"

The pillow wasn't helping. After a while of attempting to ignore them, Zack growled and grabbed his pants again. Did they not need sleep? At least Cloud? Where the hell was he getting the energy to keep up with Sephiroth? Zack was certain that these were questions that were never meant to be asked by mortal men, but he was damned if he wasn't going to try and find out.

He stormed across the balcony that led to the east wing, threw the door to their room open, and was greeted with a fresh haze of smoke. He caught Sephiroth mid-woosh, apparently, and was just in time to see him leap off the bed with his arms spread, shouting, "Woosh!" Sephiroth curled his body at the last second and rolled safely across the room before jumping to his feet. Zack tried to ignore the sparkles that had been applied liberally to Sephiroth's hair, and the unicorn stuck to his forehead, but it was proving difficult.

"Okay, your turn, Cloud."

Zack turned his attention back to the bed where Cloud was jumping with all his might. Cloud was, at least, less glittery. He _was_ covered in far more stickers than Zack felt was truly necessary, however. Sephiroth held out his arms and Cloud took a flying leap.

"Woosh!"

In hindsight, it probably would have been safer if Zack had just left them alone. Sephiroth noticed Zack's presence just as Cloud jumped. He was distracted enough that he forgot about catching Cloud, who hit the ground with something that sounded like a thump, a crack, and a smack combined. And he didn't move.

"Cloud? Cloudy? Cloud!" Sephiroth shouted and rushed over to Cloud's limp form with Zack not far behind.

"Owww..."

"Cloud, don't move," Zack said. "Are you okay?"

"Do you think I _should _be okay?"

"Just don't move; I'll fix you up."

"I'll do it," Sephiroth snarled.

"No, you won't. You're too fucking high, Sephiroth. Stop touching him." Zack shoved Sephiroth aside and activated his Restore materia. Why he still had his bracer on was anybody's guess, but he was glad he did. As soon as the green light dissipated, Zack was roughly shoved aside.

"Cloudy?"

"'M okay, Seph."

"Are you sure?"

"Think so."

Sephiroth gathered Cloud into his arms and turned to Zack with one of the most vicious glares he had seen in his life. "_YOU_. Distracted me."

Zack gulped nervously, but held his ground. "You. Were being an idiot."

"I caught him every time until you came in."

"You were encouraging him to jump headfirst off the bed!"

"And I caught him. _Every_ _time_." Sephiroth's eyes were glowing brightly, the way SOLDIERs' eyes did when they were really angry. Zack was pretty sure he'd be able to see them from a mile away in the dark. Maybe now wasn't the best time to be arguing. Even the unicorn in the middle of his forehead did little to detract from the menacing aura radiating off of Sephiroth.

"Right, well, maybe don't do it again..." Zack's voice failed, as Sephiroth's eyes grew even brighter.

"I'm okay, Seph," Cloud broke in and reached up to pat Sephiroth's head. "Don't be mad. It wasn't anyone's fault."

Zack begged to differ, but kept quiet, as the fire seemed to leave Sephiroth's eyes. How the hell had Cloud gotten Sephiroth wrapped around his finger so easily? He was willing to bet that it wasn't _all_ because of the pot. Sephiroth shot one final glare at him before standing up and setting Cloud down on the bed. He curled himself protectively around Cloud's body and pulled the blanket over them.

"Shut the door when you leave."

"All right, just... let him get some rest now, Seph. He's not enhanced like you are. Remember that."

"Goodnight, Zack!" Cloud giggled from his snug spot in Sephiroth's arms.

"And _you!_ Go to sleep!"

"Yes, sir," Cloud giggled again.

Zack sighed and shut the door. He said a silent prayer to any gods that happened to be listening, asking them to please let him get a couple hours sleep, at least.

XXX

When Zack woke up next, it was mid-morning and the mansion was disturbingly silent. Fearing that they had somehow managed to kill themselves or escaped, Zack tiptoed to Sephiroth and Cloud's bedroom and cracked the door open. To Zack's great surprise, they were right where he had left them last, curled around each other and covered in glitter that sparkled in the sunlight. They... actually looked kind of cute like that. A green eye cracked open and Sephiroth's slit pupil narrowed against the bright light. After staring at him for several long, uncomfortable seconds, Zack was apparently deemed to be not a threat and the eye shut again.

He quietly shut the door and went downstairs. Zack caught a glimpse of the room that had freaked Cloud out so much and was rather disturbed to find that not only was the chair upside down, but there was another one impossibly balanced on top of it. Maybe Cloud was right and there _were_ ghosts haunting this place. Ah well, he could handle ghosts. He sat down on the dusty velvet couch and pulled out his PHS. He hit Aerith's speed dial and waited for her to pick up.

"Zack!" Aerith sounded excited to hear from him. "How's your mission going?"

"Hey, babe. Good to hear your voice. Mission's taken a bit of a turn for the weird; that's what I was calling to talk to you about, actually."

"A turn for the _weird_?"

"Yeah, well, it was taking a turn for the worse, and then it got really, really weird, but I think the weird is better than where it had been going."

It was a long, awkward explanation, and Zack hadn't been able to work up the nerve to tell Aerith about watching, but he did give her the basics. She had hummed and hawed through the story, sounding rather amused and not at all surprised at the fact that her product had had a helping hand in saving the world.

"So what are you guys going to do now?" she asked when Zack finished relating his tale.

"Well, that's what I'm not sure about. I think the actual mission is as good as dead, and we did fix the problem at the reactor, so I think it's probably best to head back to Midgar. Cloud's running out of weed at a rather disturbing pace, so he's going to need some more if we want to keep Seph stoned. Can you fix him up?"

"I can do that. You know, I'm rather curious to see Sephiroth stoned..."

"Trust me, it's a terrifying and surreal experience."

"What's that?" Aerith sounded like she was talking to someone else. "No, I said I want to see Sephiroth _stoned_. You know, high." Zack could hear a male voice in the background, but couldn't make out what he was saying. "I _know!_ That's what I thought! Hey, Zack, Reno wants to know if Sephiroth will come down to the church too."

"Reno's there! Dammit, Aerith, I wanted to keep this a secret from ShinRa!"

"Oh, don't worry. I'll give him a few grams and some cookies and he won't breathe a word. Will you? He says no."

"Aerith..." Zack said warningly.

"So what's Sephiroth going to do? Or rather, what are you going to do with Sephiroth? Since you're the one who doesn't want ShinRa to know."

"I'm not sure. Before we left, he mentioned retiring after this mission, which might be the best decision. Now he sounds like he wants to hit a porn store then hole up in a seedy motel with Cloud. I swear that shit flipped a switch or something in him. I didn't think the guy even _had_ a libido."

"Maybe he was just never allowed to show it. He's been pretty oppressed his whole life, hasn't he? From what you said, it sounds like he's doing a lot of stuff that he probably wanted to do as a kid. Or a young adult, as the case may be." Aerith paused and seemed to be thinking for a moment, so Zack waited patiently. "There're a couple spare rooms in the back of the church. It might take a bit of fixing up and some furniture shopping, but if he wants to retire, he could stay there until he finds someplace better. It'd be cleaner than a seedy motel at any rate."

"That's probably a really good idea. As long as the Turks keep quiet about it."

"What about Cloud?"

"I'm really not sure about him. He seems like he wants to stay with Sephiroth. And I'm _certain_ Sephiroth wants him to stay. But it'll pretty much fuck over his career if he does."

"Well, ask him. When he's sober."

"So I should go wake him up?"

"Probably for the best. Or at least hang around right outside their door until they wake up. That'll probably up your survival chances."

"Your faith in me is heart-warming."

"Hey, I'm just trying to make sure my boy survives. I hear Masamune can be pretty sharp in the mornings."

"Right, well, I'll be sure to go armed."

"Reno says he wants pictures." Aerith paused. "Come to think of it, _I_ want pictures. Maybe if they agree to stay at the church, I can sneak a few cameras into their room..."

Zack sputtered in complete shock. There was no way Aerith had just said that.

"No! Not to _sell_! What are you, some sort of pervert, Reno? Get out of my church! Forget cameras; corrupt people will take advantage. Maybe I can put in peep holes instead."

"They don't seem to mind audiences," Zack said cautiously.

"Oh really? Do tell! What did you see, Zachary Fair?"

"Not much, really." Zack felt himself blushing awkwardly.

"Spill, Fair! Did you watch them fuck?" Reno had apparently grabbed the phone away from Aerith; the indignant yells in the background were a good indicator.

"I've gotta go, Reno. I think I can hear them waking up. Tell Aerith I love her." Zack snapped his phone shut and tried to process what had just been said. Aerith had been curious? And wanted pictures? She had always been up for experimentation in the bedroom, but Zack hadn't thought that would extend to third-party voyeurism. "Ugh," Zack said out loud, "I'll think about it later." In the meantime, he needed to talk to Cloud.

He quietly went upstairs and cracked the door again. Sephiroth was awake now and stroking Cloud's hair while the kid still slept. His head turned sharply as Zack entered the room, and Zack swore he heard him snarl. Zack raised his hands in what he really hoped only needed to be _mock_ surrender and stepped closer to the bed.

"Morning, Seph. How're you feeling?"

"Headache," Sephiroth mumbled.

"Yeah... that can happen." Zack tried to sound sympathetic, but his heart wasn't in it. "Look, I need to talk to you."

"'Bout what?"

"Your pleasant conversation and excellent articulation in the morning, what else?" Zack sighed, "I want to talk about what you're going to do."

"Purple vibrator."

"Yeah, I gathered that's on the list. I meant what are you going to do about ShinRa? You know, that place where you work? Big tower, angry fat man in charge..."

"Don't wanna work anymore."

"You want to retire? Like you had planned?" Gaia, this conversation was like pulling teeth.

"Yeah."

"Well, I was talking to Aerith, you know, my girl?" Zack continued when Sephiroth just gave him a blank look. "Lives in Sector 6? Has a church where she grows flowers in Sector 5?"

"Pot girl!"

"Yeah, sure, pot girl. Anyways, she said that you can live at the church, if you don't want to go back to ShinRa. I'll get all your paperwork in order so you can just disappear, never have to see ShinRa again." Zack really hoped the point was getting through.

"That be nice. Me 'n Cloud'll do that."

"Right, um about Cloud, would you mind if I talk to him about it? While he's sober? And you're not in the same room?"

"Mine!" Sephiroth flipped Cloud underneath him faster than Zack could blink and bared his teeth at Zack. Cloud gave a startled yelp at being woken up so suddenly and struggled to get out.

"What- Seph, calm down! I just need to _talk_ to him."

"Mine!" Sephiroth said again. "She can't have him!"

Cloud seemed to realise where he was and stopped struggling, not that it had been doing any good. "Sephiroth?"

"Mine. She can't have you. Mine. I want him." Sephiroth wrapped a hand around Cloud's throat, but didn't appear to be applying any pressure.

"Hey, Zack, since you're close handy by and not pinned by someone who's way bigger than you, would you mind grabbing my pipe?" Cloud sounded remarkably calm about the situation.

"Cloud..."

"Please hurry, Zack." Cloud wiggled a hand free and started petting Sephiroth's head, whispering that he shouldn't listen to her. Zack grabbed the pipe and lit it, handing it over to Cloud. "Thanks." Cloud held it up to Sephiroth's lips. "Here you go. He~y, your unicorn fell off."

Sephiroth just grumbled and started smoking. He even let go of Cloud's neck so he could keep the pipe lit on his own.

"Well, you'll care once it kicks in, I'm sure. You were so proud of it. At least we don't have to worry about the glitter running off on us. That's _never_ going away."

Sephiroth started to hand the pipe over to Cloud, but Zack spoke up, "Cloud, before you do that, can I talk to you?"

"Uh, sure, what is it?" Cloud shooed the pipe back towards Sephiroth who started blowing the smoke in Cloud's face instead. Zack would have to talk quickly.

"Sephiroth wants you to stay with him when we go back to Midgar. But he's not planning on going back to ShinRa. And I'd like to keep him as far from ShinRa as possible when he's... like this."

"Okay. Quit it, Seph, I'm trying to listen." Cloud attempted to fan the smoke away from himself.

"So, if you stayed, I mean, I think he wants you around all the time, you wouldn't be able to stay with ShinRa."

"Okay."

"Just like that? Okay? Cloud, you need to really think about this; you're blowing a big chance."

Cloud shrugged. "What chance? I failed the SOLDIER exams. I don't want to spend the rest of my life as a trooper."

"You can retake the exams, you know."

"What's the point? I'll always be too small and too weak to pass. If I go back, it'll be nothing but the same old song and dance."

Zack stared in shock; he had had no idea Cloud felt that way. He knew that he had been depressed about failing the exam, and about coming home when he wasn't a SOLDIER, but it sounded like Cloud had given up.

Cloud sighed, "If you don't like that reason, look at it this way. Sephiroth goes batshit fucking insane when I leave the room to go to the toilet. He goes more batshit fucking insane when he doesn't have weed. I can get him from no weed, to weed, without him killing anyone. He's super strong and he wants me around. You can call me a martyr and say I sacrificed my career to save the planet. A planet with a chocolaty centre."

"Fuck planetary chocolate," Sephiroth mumbled around the pipe. "It's too fucking far."

XXX

This chapter is dedicated to Tomo and her Wooosh! icon.


	5. People Do That?

_**Title:**_ Bake Sale  
_**Chapter Title:**_ People _Do_ That?  
_**Author:**_ XpaperplaneX  
_**Beta/Co-conspirator: **_Illiadandoddity on DW, Doom Squirrel here  
_**Rating: **_NC-17  
_**Pairings:**_ Main: Sephiroth/Cloud. Others: Zack/Aerith, combinations of the above four characters, up to and possibly including Sephiroth/Cloud/Zack/Aerith.  
_**Genre:**_ crack, humour, slash, het  
_**Warnings: *updated again***_ drug use (marijuana), smut, bdsm, rimming, voyeurism & exhibitionism, general nonsense  
_**Disclaimer:**_ I do not own FFVII and make no money from this work.  
_**Summary:**_ While seeking a break from the stress of Nibelheim, Cloud accidentally saves the planet. The trick now, is in keeping it saved. This is pure crack, so consider yourselves warned.

I'm not dead! And tonight I have a plan to at least open the PoW file. I may even write something for it. In the meantime, have some insanity.

XXX

Zack sat in the front of the truck with Cpl. Dansen, their driver, trying to ignore anything and everything that might happen in the back. It wasn't working as well as Zack had hoped it might; he couldn't help but worry about them hurting themselves and had to keep looking through the little window behind his seat. Though, to Cloud and Sephiroth's credit, they hadn't been too bad yet. They seemed to be discussing philosophy in the distracted sort of way that all stoners seem to enjoy.

"But," Cloud was saying as he looked through the various boxes, "If everything goes back to the Lifestream, why are there bodies? Shouldn't they just dissolve?"

"The question you _should_ be asking, is where is the Lifestream?" Sephiroth said from where he was lying on the floor.

"Why? Isn't it kind of flowing through the planet?"

"Exactly. Flowing through the planet. The _centre_ of the planet."

"Okay..."

"So, we have two facts. The first is that the Lifestream is located somewhere in the centre of the planet. The second is that the planet's core, or centre, if you will, is made of chocolate."

"Right."

"So, logically, if everything comes from the Lifestream, and goes back to the Lifestream, aren't we all just made of chocolate?"

There was a crashing sound as Cloud dropped whatever he had been holding. "I think that might the most profound thing anyone has ever said, Sephiroth."

Zack _really _hoped that Cloud was being sarcastic when he said that, but from the awed tone of Cloud's voice, it seemed like he was hoping in vain. Cpl. Dansen snorted loudly and Zack shushed him. "Don't draw their attention. It's safer that way."

"Hey! Bubble wrap!" Cloud said as he crouched to pick up what he had dropped.

"Toss it over here, Cloudy."

"Oops, sir, I think this is broken."

"Toss it out the back and no one will know." Zack shook his head in amazement. That was _not_ the Sephiroth he had known.

"Yay!" Zack listened to the back of the truck being opened and a grunt as Cloud threw something heavy out.

"What was it, anyways?" Sephiroth asked.

"Umm... not sure..."

"It was really expensive and important, wasn't it?"

"Umm..."

"Never mind, get over here and help me pop this shit."

Zack watched Cloud scurry over to sit on Sephiroth's lap with a huge sheet of bubble wrap and turned his attention back to the road. He fiddled with the radio while attempting to make small talk with Dansen. But after an hour or so, with not so much as a peep from the back, Zack started to get worried.

"I should check on them, shouldn't I?" he asked, dreading the answer.

"It's probably for the best," Dansen said, "I'd rather not have my truck spontaneously combust or something."

"Dammit, I knew you'd say that." Zack braced himself for gay porn and turned around. "Well, at least bubble wrap keeps them occupied," he said.

"What are they doing?"

"It _appears_ that Sephiroth is trying to pop a bubble on Cloud's hair."

"Uh, I don't think that's going to work."

"At least Cloud seems to be being patient about it. Seph looks near tears, though. I think he's been trying for a while."

"Fucking hell, Cloud," Sephiroth suddenly shouted, "Quit letting it bend!"

Cloud was popping bubbles complacently with his head in Sephiroth's lap and didn't so much as twitch at the outburst. "Maybe if I put some gel in it..."

"Do you have gel?"

"No. Zack, do you have gel?"

"Are you going to use it all, like you did the lube?" Dansen's head whipped around and his eyes bulged. Zack just shrugged apologetically.

"Probably," came Cloud's sheepish reply. At least the kid was honest.

"Then, no, I don't."

"Pleeeeeaaaase!" Cloud dragged the word out for far too long.

"No, I need it."

"So do I! Don't be so stingy!"

Zack chanced another look back. Cloud was still looking entirely zoned out on Sephiroth's lap, despite the mini-argument going on. "I'm not being stingy. I just don't want you using all my hair gel for something that won't work anyways."

"Would you give it to us if I ordered you?" Sephiroth asked.

"No, you're not of sound mind and therefore I can't accept orders from you. The gel is mine. Fuck off and pop your bubble wrap the normal way." Zack turned back to the front and saw Dansen trying not to laugh. "And no cheek from you, Corporal."

"Yes, sir."

The peace continued for a while longer until a loud shriek pierced Zack's ears and caused Dansen to swerve.

"IT'S GOOOONE!" Cloud screamed.

"Calm down, Cloudy, I'm sure it's not all gone. We must have missed some..." Sephiroth's words might have been a bit more convincing had it not been for the panicked desperation in his voice.

"It's gone, Sephiroth! The bubble wrap is all fucking _gone_!"

Zack shook his head sadly. "It's not the end of the world, you two."

"It's a fucking tragedy, Fair! Shut the fuck up!" Sephiroth was sorting through the used bubble wrap with a desperate look in his eyes. "Okay, Cloudy, don't panic. Maybe if we bend it just right, air will get trapped and we can pop the same bubble twice."

"It's not working, Sephiroth! It's-"

"FAIR! The bubble wrap has ceased functioning! It refuses to pop anymore!"

Zack felt like banging his head against really hard surfaces until things started to make sense again. "Just... just forget about it then and make out or something. I can't make bubble wrap be not popped."

"But- but- but-" Sephiroth attempted to form a protest.

"Just shove your tongue down his throat!" Zack yelled. "That'll make everything better, I promise."

"Really?" Sephiroth pulled Cloud towards him and violently kissed him. "Hey... that does work... Thanks, Zack! You can have a promotion!"

"I _deserve_ a promotion after dealing with this," Zack muttered as he turned around again, "And a good stiff drink."

"Less talk, more snogging." Zack turned away as Cloud pulled Sephiroth down on top of him.

"Since you're made of chocolate," Sephiroth mumbled between kisses, "Is that why you taste so good?"

"Must be..."

Zack sighed and turned up the volume. He didn't want to hear this, even if he had started them off. When they started to get louder, Zack turned the volume up a bit more and tried to make small talk with Dansen again. It didn't help much; enhanced hearing was a bitch sometimes, but Zack felt a bit better knowing that he wasn't actively _trying_ to listen. Besides, Dansen looked like he was going to bolt and they needed him to drive.

He was trying to tell Dansen about Aerith, and how she grows flowers in the middle of Midgar, but the increasingly loud moans and shouts felt like they were banging him over the head with a frying pan.

"Yep," Zack said, "She actually grows them, right there in Midgar." He fought the urge to turn around; it wouldn't do, not in front of someone with a bit of sanity left. "Can-" Zack lost his train of thought as Cloud screamed at Sephiroth to fuck him harder. He shut his eyes for a few moments and tried to shut the noise out.

"Can you believe it?" he continued. "I swear she's like magic." Cloud was begging now...

"That's pretty amazing, sir," Dansen said. "How does she do it?"

He couldn't look, he couldn't look. But Cloud sounded so pathetic... like he was near tears. "I- I don't know, exactly. She says the secret ingredient is love, but..."

"Please, sir, please let me." Zack had to look. It would be irresponsible if he didn't. Sephiroth could hurt Cloud. He would just take one quick peek to make sure everything was okay.

Zack turned and his jaw dropped at the sight. Cloud's legs were hooked over Sephiroth's shoulders and he was bent nearly in half as Sephiroth leaned over him. Sephiroth was pinning Cloud's hands above his head with one hand and the other was playing with Cloud's nipples. "Never thought he'd be so flexible..." Zack said aloud before he realised it.

"What was that, sir?"

"Um, nothing! I just..."

Cloud was screaming every time Sephiroth thrust in and his erection was bouncing, neglected between their bodies. Was Sephiroth not going to let Cloud come? Zack waffled about what to do, wondering if he should go back there or say something, when Sephiroth suddenly stilled, then snapped his hips forward with renewed vigour. Zack caught the words 'Cloud' and 'chocolate' from amongst the yells Sephiroth let out as he came. Cloud was still begging as Sephiroth slowed and finally stopped thrusting. He hovered over Cloud, still pinning his arms, and seemed to be breathing deeply.

Zack was in the process of unbuckling his seatbelt, intending to go back there and yell at Sephiroth for not taking care of Cloud, so he almost missed it when Sephiroth pulled out of Cloud and hiked up his legs. He let go of Cloud's arms to spread his ass cheeks and plunged his face between them. Cloud gave a wail, louder than anything Zack had ever heard before, causing Dansen to swerve again, and his hand flew between his legs. Sephiroth kept his face in Cloud's ass as Cloud came, doing _something_. Zack was certain he knew what, but had trouble comprehending. That was so gross! Sephiroth just _came_ in there, not to mention it was Cloud's asshole he was licking! But... at the same time... it was really, really hot.

He couldn't look away as Cloud came down from his climax and lay there gasping. Sephiroth gently lowered him back down and sprawled out next to him. He couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to... NO! No, no, no! Taken! He was happily taken by a wonderful woman! A woman who was also amazingly flexible in bed. It was just, Zack noticed ruefully, his pants were _way _too tight. Dansen had to have noticed his boner by now.

He just had to wait. At least half an hour before asking to pull over at the next rest stop. No one would be suspicious then. He was a SOLDIER! SOLDIERs are meant to survive all sorts of pain and torture, so this was no problem! Zack groaned and banged his head against the window. This sucked.

XXX

"You know," Sephiroth said as he settled down next to Cloud, "I'm glad you're sexier than a chocobo."

"Yeah?" Cloud pulled Sephiroth's arm around him and used his shoulder as a pillow. That was much comfier than the floor of the truck.

"Yeah, chocobos aren't sexy at all, but you're like the perfect chocobo. 'Cause you're cute _and_ sexy. And riding you is tons of fun."

"Too bad you can't enter me in races."

"If I could, we'd definitely win. You're an awesome ride, Cloudy."

"You're not a bad jockey, yourself."

"I'm too tall to be a jockey. You could be a jockey."

"Are you saying what I think you're saying? Or are we even talking about the same thing anymore?" Cloud was pretty sure he knew what they were talking about, but couldn't picture Sephiroth ever letting himself be 'ridden'. At least not while he was sober, and if it wasn't something he'd do then, well...

"I... don't know. I'm glad you're a sexy chocobo."

"Okay, then." Cloud curled up and pulled Sephiroth's discarded coat over himself. This was exhausting. Fun, but exhausting. He just hoped that Sephiroth wouldn't get bored of him or something. Then he'd have no career _and_ no reason to have no career. "You know where the pot is, right?" he asked.

"Uh huh."

"Remember to only smoke it if you _need_ it. We're on rations until we get back to Midgar. But if you need it, light up. Don't listen to that bitch."

"I won't, Cloudy. Are you sleeping now?"

"Yeah, wake me up when we get somewhere."

XXX

Sephiroth absently flicked at one of Cloud's spikes. This was _boring_. They had stopped a little while back, and Zack had gone running out of the truck towards the bathrooms at the rest stop. But it didn't really seem like what Cloud had meant when he said to wake him up when they got somewhere. So Sephiroth had let him sleep, despite the crushing boredom of sitting in the back of the transport with no one to talk to. Especially since Zack seemed mad at him for some reason.

Sephiroth sighed. The bitch was starting up in the back of his head again. A nagging little voice that told him this wasn't what he was supposed to be doing. Destroying the world _did_ sound like fun, but it also sounded like really hard work. And the bitch didn't want him to bring his chocobo. That was no good at all, so Sephiroth reached for Cloud's baggie. After a few tokes he was feeling pretty mellow and rested his head above Cloud's, just intending to shut his eyes for a few moments.

When he woke up, it was dark and Zack was kicking him in the side.

"Wake up, asshole, we're here."

"Midgar?" Sephiroth asked blearily.

"No, you idiot, Costa del Sol. Hurry up and put your damn pants on; we've got a chopper to catch." Zack waited, tapping his foot impatiently, while Sephiroth shook Cloud's shoulder to wake him.

"Cloudy, we've got to get up now."

Cloud blinked sleepily and yawned widely - damn could he ever open his mouth wide. Sephiroth made a note to see just _how_ wide in the near future. He pushed himself up and both of them let out a scream as they separated.

"Son of a fucking bitch! What the fucking fuck was that!" Sephiroth looked down at his chest, expecting to see a patch of skin missing from it. It looked fine, if slightly reddened, so he turned his attention to Cloud, who was whimpering.

"Cum sticks when it dries," Zack said, laughing heartily. "Maybe you can file that little bit of info away for the future?"

"That is indeed good to know. Cloudy? Are you going to live? Do you need a Heal?" Sephiroth tried to pull Cloud's hands away from his torso so he could see, but Cloud was resisting.

"He doesn't need a Heal," Zack said with no small amount of exasperation in his voice. "Now both of you get dressed."

Cloud nodded, despite the tears still gathered in the corners of his eyes, and reached for his pants. Sephiroth pulled Cloud into his lap and fumbled for his bracer, kissing the tears away.

"He doesn't need a Heal!" Zack yelled again. "There's nothing _to _heal! It's like tearing off a bandaid! Once it's torn off, you're considered healed!"

"You _want_ Cloud to be in pain?" Sephiroth asked darkly and Zack hesitated. Sephiroth activated his spell and touched his hand to Cloud's chest. "There. All better?"

"Uh huh!" Cloud planted a kiss on Sephiroth's lips. "My ass feels much better now too!"

"Is that-"

"No. No way. Absolutely not. Pants on, right now. Let's go." Zack forcibly pulled Cloud out of Sephiroth's lap and handed the ruffled trooper his fatigues. "Gaia, it smells like a brothel mixed with a drug house in here."

Sephiroth held up his own pants with a look of distain. "I don't _need_ pants," he muttered, before shoving a foot in.

As they got dressed, Sephiroth could hear their driver grumbling about the state of his truck. Saying something to Zack about how he just wished that they had gotten it _all_ on each other. He looked down at the floor of the truck. "Yep, glad I don't have to clean that up," he said brightly. "Ready to go, Cloudy?"

"Yes, sir!"

Sephiroth jumped out of the back of the truck and held out his arms for Cloud, ignoring the glares that both Zack and the driver gave him. Cloud took a flying leap into his arms and Sephiroth stuck his tongue out at Zack upon catching him.

"OOOH! Convenience store! Let's go get more slushies, sir!"

"I want more of that exploding sugar stuff," Sephiroth said as he set Cloud down and took him by the hand.

"Sir, could you sign these before you go?" Sephiroth heard the driver say to Zack as they headed towards the store.

"What is it?"

"Approval forms for hazard pay."

"Consider them signed." Sephiroth bristled a little at that; he wasn't a _hazard_. Was he?

"I don't think so. Ooh! Kazoos!"

"Did I say that out loud?" Sephiroth asked. "And what's a kazoo?"


	6. The Kazoos of War

_**Title:**_ Bake Sale  
_**Chapter Title:**_ The Kazoos of War  
_**Author:**_ XpaperplaneX  
_**Rating: **_NC-17  
_**Pairings:**_ Main: Sephiroth/Cloud. Others: Zack/Aerith, combinations of the above four characters, up to and possibly including Sephiroth/Cloud/Zack/Aerith.  
_**Genre:**_ crack, humour, slash, het  
_**Warnings: **_drug use (marijuana), smut, bdsm, rimming, voyeurism & exhibitionism, general nonsense  
_**Disclaimer:**_ I do not own FFVII and make no money from this work.  
_**Summary:**_ While seeking a break from the stress of Nibelheim, Cloud accidentally saves the planet. The trick now, is in keeping it saved. This is pure crack, so consider yourselves warned.

Can our intrepid adventurers make it back to Midgar in one piece? Will Zack arrive with his sanity intact? What does it feel like to have Flare cast on your eye? And what _did_ our heroes eat last night? Answers to these questions and more are inside the long awaited sixth chapter of the amazing and astounding Bake Sale!

Disclaimer: Not all questions are answered.

XXX

There was a horrible sound that was getting closer and closer as Zack supervised the loading of the baggage into the chopper. He tried to brush it off as just the sea winds, or maybe a dying seagull, or maybe a dying seagull that had been blown by the sea winds into a tortured cat and the two were duking it out in their dying throes. Or maybe it was _them_. The grunts doing the loading paused in their work and turned to stare as their famed general, the hero of the Wutai war, came marching towards them with a trooper slung over his shoulder, a kazoo in his mouth, and several bags stuffed full of candy.

"Anyone not flying the chopper, you're dismissed. And you're never to speak of this," Zack ordered loudly. "NOW!" he shouted at a few people who were dragging their feet, waiting for Sephiroth to come closer. Zack cast a wary eye at the one person remaining; their pilot looked unimpressed at the sight.

Sephiroth frowned as he got closer and struggled to get the kazoo out of his mouth without dropping anything. "Why the hell isn't the chopper loaded, Fair?" he demanded.

The kazoo noises coming from Cloud suddenly stopped and blissful silence spread across the tarmac. Sephiroth tightened his grip on Cloud's thighs and glared at Zack and the pilot.

"We have a schedule to keep, SOLDIER. Where the hell are the troops?"

"I sent them away, sir," Zack answered. "You... you don't want rumours to start spreading, do you? Don't worry, I'll get the rest done. There's not much."

"Rumours about what?" Sephiroth asked icily.

Cloud started squirming in Sephiroth's grip, flailing and kicking his legs. He managed, with what appeared to be a great effort, to heave himself upwards so he could turn around. He waved his two slushy cups at Zack and kazooed frantically. At least it seemed like that was the effect he was going for.

The pilot caught on quicker than Zack—he blamed it on proximity-based stupidity—and took the slushy cups from Cloud.

Cloud reached up and removed the kazoo from his mouth. "Thank you, kind sir," he said with a smile. He then proceeded to wrap his arms around Sephiroth's head, petting and kissing him in a rather adorable way. "Zack just sent them away because he didn't want them to see me and try to steal me away from you," he murmured.

Sephiroth looked at Zack sharply. "Is that so? And this guy?" He shook his bags in the pilot's direction.

"Straight as an arrow," Cloud mumbled, fishing some of Sephiroth's hair out of his mouth.

"That's right, Seph," Zack said nervously. "Why don't you two go sit down, and I'll get everything sorted out and let you know when we're ready to go."

Cloud was brazenly rubbing his bare foot over the crotch of Sephiroth's pants. "I know you'd save me from being kidnapped," he was saying, "But Zack didn't want you to have to go to all that effort. That was pretty nice of him, huh?"

"Yeah... nice of him..."

"I think we can think of something to do while we wait. Maybe nice Mr. Pilot Man can take the bags too. And give us back our slushies." Cloud smiled brilliantly and held out his hands.

"It's Captain Harris," he said tersely, handing Cloud back the drinks and taking the bags from Sephiroth with a glare.

"Righty-o, Mr. Nice Captain Pilot Harris Man. Thanks bunches for taking those from me. We'll just go sit down while you guys get everything sorted out."

Zack watched them walk away before turning back to Captain Harris and shrugging apologetically. "I'm just trying to get him home in one piece. Cloud doesn't have a lot of weed left and the general's been feeling a bit homicidal without it. Can you just help me load the chopper?"

"Weed?"

Zack ground his teeth and tried to ignore the scathing tone of the captain's voice. Of course they had to get some straight-laced jackass as their pilot. At least there wasn't a lot left to load; he could get it done quickly by himself. And hopefully Cloud would be able to keep Sephiroth out of trouble until then—with a minimal amount of public indecency.

XXX

"Sephiroth! Stop spinning."

Poor Zack. He needed to lighten up. Sephiroth gleefully continued to spin with his arms out, attempting to match the speed of the helicopter blades. It wasn't easy with the helicopter's movement throwing him off balance.

"Faster!" Cloud yelled from the floor where he had collapsed after his first attempt. Spinning wasn't good for Cloud.

"Would you people stop shouting into the comms? Turn them off if you're just going to babble nonsense." Their pilot seemed even crankier than the driver had been, and Sephiroth couldn't figure out why. He had been forbidden from taking Cloud's pants off again until they got to Midgar, after all. He had even listened... so far.

"Oh! I found them!" Cloud hauled a couple of packets out of a bag and shook them.

Sephiroth stumbled to a stop and stood, swaying slightly. "Pop Rocks?"

"Uh-huh." Cloud tore open a packet and held them up, but Sephiroth sat down next to him. Spinning and eating would require a little more coordination than he had at the moment.

"These things are amazing." Sephiroth dumped a handful into his mouth and grinned as they popped. "It's like... have you ever had Flare cast on you?"

"No... have you?"

"Well, sure. But it's probably best if you don't. You're small and not very resilient, so I won't cast it on you so you can know, but it feels a bit like that only smaller. And in your mouth."

"I'm not _that_ small!"

"Cloud," Zack interrupted, "Please don't argue in favour of Sephiroth casting very powerful spells on you. It won't end well."

Sephiroth nodded his agreement. "Flare is kinda nasty. I don't think you'd take well to it. Maybe if I powered it down or something—"

"No! That's okay. I can guess. It's like Pop Rocks only bigger, right?"

"Right! Exactly like that! It's like jumping in a swimming pool full of Pop Rocks." Sephiroth popped another handful into his mouth just as the helicopter hit a patch of turbulence. That felt... odd. That felt really odd. And painful. "It's in my eye!"

"What?"

"They're in my eye! I can feel them popping in my eye!"

Zack burst out laughing while Cloud tried to pat his head. Sephiroth frantically tried to do something, but there wasn't a lot he could do, so he settled for screaming about ninjas trapping his food—as usual.

"Stop screaming!" the irate Captain Harris yelled over the comm.

"I just had mini-fucking-Flare cast on my fucking eyeball! I will scream all I damn well please, and you're getting a demotion!" Sephiroth whipped around when he felt someone tapping his shoulder and snarled. "What?"

He blinked rapidly and looked through squinted eyes at Cloud, who was holding out a bottle with a weird attachment. "Eye wash station in the first aid kit."

Zack dragged him over to the seats where he sat with the weird bottle held to his eye and flushed it out again and again. It gave him time to muse on the situation. He came to the conclusion that Pop Rocks were evil and had most likely been created in Wutai and spread throughout the world in an elaborate plan to try to assassinate him. It was only thanks to Cloud's quick thinking that he had lived.

"Cloudy?" Sephiroth eventually raised his head and looked around for Cloud, wanting to thank him.

"Yeah?" Cloud was on the floor again, but he didn't look like he was having fun.

"Are you okay?"

"I don't feel so good." He was fumbling with a paper bag and suddenly heaved into it with an awful retching sound.

"Aww shit, kid." Zack went and crouched next to Cloud and pushed some hair out of his face. "I was hoping you'd be all right what with all the drugs in your system."

Cloud heaved again and then shook his head. "Nah, gave the rest to Sephiroth a while back. And sugar highs don't help with puking."

"Zack. Zack. Zack. ZackZackZackZackZack! What's wrong with him?" Sephiroth dropped his eye-washing thing and scrambled over to Cloud's side.

"Seph, shut up a minute. I've got to find the rest of the barf bags."

Sephiroth patted Cloud's back while he worried about what could be wrong with him. He remembered someone being sick on the way to Nibelheim; maybe that had been Cloud, too. He generally avoided sick people because they weren't very useful, and he never got sick himself, so he wasn't sure what the proper protocol here was.

"Shit, Seph! Stop hitting him!" Zack emerged from the rear of the chopper with a stack of paper bags.

Sephiroth stilled his hand. "I'm not hitting him. I'm patting his back to make him feel better."

"I guarantee it's not working." Zack pushed him backwards and helped Cloud sit up. He supposed Cloud did look a little, well... 'crumpled' seemed appropriate. Maybe he had patted a bit forcefully. Zack shook out an empty paper bag and held next to Cloud's face. "Go sit down and leave Cloud alone."

"I don't want to leave Cloud alone," Sephiroth pouted. "Make him feel better, that's an order. I don't want to have sex with someone who's throwing up." The heaving was rather disgusting sounding—not at all attractive.

"I can't just _make_ him feel better. Order or not. Seriously, stop hitting him or I'm putting you to sleep." Zack shoved him away and knocked him off balance.

"You wouldn't dare..."

"Think that'd work on me?" Cloud asked hopefully.

"Put them both out and maybe I could actually concentrate on flying."

"Do you _want_ to be demoted again?" Sephiroth asked. "Because I can make up a rank that's lower tha—mother fucker."

XXX

"Cloud, hey, Cloud, wake up now, bud. Travelling's over. We're home."

Something had died in his mouth. Cloud was certain of it. It had probably died last week from some sort of horrible disease.

"Toothbrush," he mumbled.

There was the sound of laughter—was that Aerith's voice? "I think we can find you a toothbrush, Mr. Saviour of the Planet. Maybe even some toothpaste."

"Shower too, please."

"That, you have to get your own butt into," Zack said. "Unless you'd like me to just hose you down."

"No." Sephiroth's voice startled him. "That would be wet, and wet would make the fire go out, and the fire going out would be bad."

Cloud smiled and opened his eyes to find himself staring straight up into Sephiroth's. "That would be bad. Who lit that joint for you?"

Sephiroth frowned. "Aerith," he admitted after some hesitation. "I could do it if you guys would just let me use my materia."

"I'm sure you could, but I like my hair attached to my head and not in a pile of ashes on the floor."

"Picky, picky."

"I wouldn't be a very cute chocobo if that happened."

"Good point, Cloudy. This is why I keep you." Sephiroth patted his head fondly while taking a long drag.

"I put a clean towel in the bathroom for you, Cloud. And there's a new toothbrush on the counter. It's pretty basic, but it'll do you guys for now."

"Thanks, Aerith." Cloud rolled over and pushed himself up. Looking around, he realized that he was in a side room of the church where Aerith grew her flowers and weed. There was a bare mattress on the floor, which was what he had been lying on.

"We'll get some proper furnishings in here," Zack said. "Blankets and pillows even. That'll totally make it not a sleazy flophouse."

"Sounds classy." Cloud noticed that Zack had a joint of his own in his hand. "Finally taking a break from babysitting duty?"

"Fuckin' right, I am. And it's about time."

Cloud grinned and grabbed his pack off the floor. He was pretty sure he still had some clean clothes in it. "I'll be back in a few, then. Sephiroth, behave."

"Yup." Sephiroth had flopped over backwards and was staring at his hand like he had never seen it before.

XXX

"No, he's cute like a chocobo, but I don't think chocobos are sexy," Sephiroth was saying as Cloud approached the room that Aerith had put them in.

"Yeah, right, that's probably the only reason you like him. He reminds you of the chocobos you'd rather be fucking." Cloud paused, frozen outside the door as he took in Zack's words. He heard the all too familiar sound of a fist hitting someone's face and found that he wasn't overly inclined to rush in and try to stop Sephiroth.

"Asshole," Sephiroth muttered, but there were no further sounds of violence.

"Yup. But c'mon, you're not going to want to keep him around forever, so let him go now before you fuck up his career entirely. You can retire and be done with Shin-Ra; you've got plenty of gil, but what's Cloud going to do when you decide you don't want him around anymore?"

"Who says I don't want him around anymore?"

"I'm just saying that you tend to get bored with your toys—"

"It's okay, Zack." Cloud stepped into the room and set his bundle of dirty clothes down in the corner. "When he gets bored I'll find somewhere else to go. Don't worry about it." It did seem inevitable that Sephiroth would grow tired of him. Now that Aerith was going to be supplying the weed, there wouldn't be much to keep Sephiroth interested.

"Cloud! You're back! Where'd you go?" Sephiroth waved him over.

Cloud went and sat next to Sephiroth, feeling rather nervous. He hadn't been this sober around the man since the start of the mission. "To take a shower, sir."

"Didn't I tell you to lighten up?"

"Then hand over that joint." Cloud held out his hand. It was far too intimidating being around Sephiroth without being high.

"It's mine!"

"You owe me a bag, sir. You promised you'd replace it."

"Oh right..." Sephiroth studied the joint he was holding for a few seconds before handing it over. "I suppose I should take a shower since you got all cleaned up. Then we can go to the store."

"Yeah, I went to a lot of trouble to get the stink off of me; you should do the same."

"I don't stink!"

"As someone who spent the last really long time in an enclosed space with you, you fucking stink."

"I hate you, Zack," Sephiroth muttered, but pushed Cloud aside and got up. Cloud lay back on a pile of wadded up clothes and took a deep drag.

XXX

"Sephiroth." Cloud blinked in the bright light and tried to count. The way everything seemed to be moving like it was in a wave pool wasn't making it easy. "Sephiroth. Sephiroth."

"What?"

"What did we eat last night?"

"Pizza."

"How many pizzas did we order?" He sat down and spread the boxes out on the floor so he could count more easily.

"Five. I think. Yes. Five."

"Hmm..." Cloud frowned and flipped open the tops of all the boxes. "Are you sure we _ate_ pizza?"

"I distinctly remember eating pizza. The fuck are you on about?"

"It's just that there are five pizzas here and none of them are missing any slices. Also my penis has a moustache," he noted, after accidentally glancing between his legs.

"The fuck?" Cloud heard stumbling and a few moments later, Sephiroth appeared in the doorway, looking haggard. "Why does your penis have a moustache?"

"Probably for the same reason yours does. Do you remember something about disguises? I vaguely recall disguises."

"Oh that's right!" Sephiroth slapped his thigh, then stumbled over and grabbed a piece of pizza out of one of the boxes. He slumped down next to Cloud and chewed happily. Cloud shrugged and grabbed a slice for himself; surely it hadn't been sitting out for _that_ long. "We had to disguise ourselves so they wouldn't recognize me at the porn stores."

"Oh." Cloud looked a bit closer at his dick. He hoped whatever they had used would come off eventually. "It does look very incognito. We probably fooled them. Look, it even has a little monocle. But back to the point, all the pizza is here and accounted for, so what the fuck did we eat last night?"

"Fucked if I know, but I'm sure it was delicious. Tell Aerith it was delicious and I didn't starve you. She gave me fucking rules to follow. I quit my job, bitch!"

Cloud patted Sephiroth's head to get him to stop yelling in what he assumed was Aerith's direction. "I'm sure it was delicious too."

"Damn straight. You know she said I couldn't use the dildo I bought just for you?"

"She did? What a bitch!"

"Said it was too big."

Cloud frowned; the dildo he remembered picking out hadn't been that big... but most everything from last night was a blur. "Do you know where it is?"

"She put it in a box..." Sephiroth scrambled up and disappeared out the door. A few minutes later, the sound of something being smashed open echoed through the church rafters. "Got it!" He reappeared holding... _something_ in his hand.

"That is not the dildo I picked out," Cloud said immediately. He couldn't stop staring at it. "Is that even a dildo?"

"Sure it is. It's not the one you picked out, but I liked this one too."

"You're certain it's not... oh, I dunno, somebody's _leg!_ It's fucking huge!"

"It's not that long." Sephiroth held it next to his leg as a comparison.

"It's as wide around as your thigh! And it's got spikes! I don't want spikes up my ass!"

"I'd use lube," Sephiroth offered, rather feebly in Cloud's opinion.

"There is no amount of lube in the world that would make me want something the size of your thigh and covered in spikes up my ass. Go put it back in the box." The sight of the thing was enough to give him nightmares.

Sephiroth pouted. "I broke the box. It was locked."

"Well, then, go put it far, _far_ away until Aerith comes back, and then tell her to take it away from you again, and get a better box, and fill it with cement, and bury it, and never ever tell you where she put it."

"So that's a no?"

"That's a no."

"Are you sure? Because you were all for it yesterday."

"I was not! You're just saying that because you think I don't remember. And even if I was, that's why I have friends like Aerith, apparently. Put it away!"

"Fine." Sephiroth stormed off, and Cloud could hear him grumbling as he walked away.

XXX

"Cloud? Sephiroth?" Aerith called out their names as she stepped into the church. Surely they were up by now. "Cloud?"

"Shh!" a voice hissed from somewhere to her left.

Startled, she looked around and noticed some blond hair poking up from behind one of the pews. "Cloud? What are you doing back there?"

"Found you!" Sephiroth's voice rang out from above and Aerith glanced up.

"What the fuck!" She threw her arms over her head in an attempt at cover and dodged back into the doorway. Sephiroth, fully nude, had leapt down from the rafters with his sword in hand.

"Shit!" Cloud yelled out, then leapt over the pew he had been hiding behind. He took off running, but Sephiroth was gaining quickly.

Aerith panicked for a moment, thinking that Sephiroth was actually attacking Cloud, but he threw the sword aside seconds before jumping over three rows of pews and cutting off Cloud's escape. The giggles as Sephiroth tackled him were hard to interpret as anything but a consensual game. And then there was a rather loud moan. "Oh my..." she muttered, hurrying forwards. Zack had said... but she hadn't really believed that they would... "Oh my..."

Aerith blinked at the sight in front of her. A large, hot pink something—probably an anal plug, she guessed—was lying discarded next to the two. Cloud was bent over a pew, and Sephiroth... well, Sephiroth was claiming his prize.

"I can't believe you gave me away, Aerith," Cloud got the words out between grunts caused by the force of Sephiroth's thrusts. "I've got no chance once he finds me, you know."

"I—I'm sorry. I didn't know he was..."

"Hunting," Sephiroth said proudly.

"I think you should have something shoved up your ass too, just to even things out. It's not easy to run with that thing."

"You can't outrun me." Sephiroth pinned Cloud down by the neck and slapped his ass, leaving a bright red mark.

Aerith had teased Zack sorely for being unable to leave when he saw Sephiroth and Cloud having sex, but now she was feeling much the same way he had. She had never seen two men having sex before; they were—

"Hey, Aerith, are you in here? Are they still alive?"

Aerith jumped and glanced around hurriedly, looking for something else she could pretend to be doing. There were the flowers, of course, but who would sit and tend flowers while _this_ was going on?

"Oh, hey, there you are." Zack noticed her and jogged over. "Didn't see you over there. What're—"

"Hi, Zack, um I was just... they... I..." Aerith fiddled nervously with her dress, but her eyes kept creeping back to the pair on the floor.

"Oh for fuck's sake, you have a mattress and a room!"

"Nuh-uh," Sephiroth said, slapping Cloud's ass several more times and making him moan prettily. "Rules are I fuck him where I catch him." He wrapped his arm around Cloud's torso and lifted him up. "Isn't he hot?"

Aerith was inclined to agree wholeheartedly, especially when Cloud licked his lips and grinned at her before beginning to stroke himself, but that seemed like a bad idea. She really wanted to touch him, though, just to see what another man felt like.

"Sephiroth..." Zack sounded annoyed, but Aerith snuck a quick peek at his crotch. There was a telltale bulge there.

"Your girlfriend thinks he's hot."

"That's because I _am_ hot." Cloud spread his legs wide and lifted up his balls, giving Aerith a full view of everything.

"I—" Aerith blushed and covered her face. When Zack didn't say anything for a while, she chanced a peek through her fingers. Zack was staring at Cloud and rubbing his crotch.

Suddenly, Cloud was shuddering in Sephiroth's arms as he cried out. Cum splattered on the floor in front of him and dripped over his hand.

"Zack," she whispered, not daring to turn her eyes away from the sight in front of her, "I need you to come to the back room with me."

XXX

Some time later, Aerith furtively readjusted her dress and smoothed her hair, wincing slightly when her ass stung as she moved. Maybe begging a SOLDIER to slap her ass hadn't been the brightest idea. Zack sometimes forgot how strong he was in the middle of things. Sephiroth didn't seem to have that problem, she thought grumpily. Or maybe Cloud just had a higher pain tolerance than she did.

She stole out of the little room and went to gather up her gardening supplies, but paused when she noticed Sephiroth lying on one of the pews, apparently asleep. He cracked open an eye as she approached and stroked Cloud's head, which was nestled up against his chest.

"Shh," Sephiroth whispered, "He's tired."

Aerith nodded. "Do you want a blanket for him?"

"Yes, that would be good."

She crept quietly back to the little room and took a thin blanket out of the stack that Zack had brought with him, then brought it back and spread it out over them. Cloud's ass still looked a bit pink, she noted, but not near as red as hers was and Sephiroth had slapped him a lot more.

"If people come," she asked, "Will you take him to the back room?"

"Sure." Sephiroth was in a surprisingly agreeable mood. Aerith figured he had found the perfect middle point between being high and being sober; if only he could stay there. "You have to take that dildo away again. And apparently put it in a box filled with cement."

Aerith had trouble stifling her laughter, but managed to at least laugh silently. "I take it he said no?"

"Quite a few times."

"I knew he would, you can't let him agree to stuff like that when he's high. It's just taking advantage."

"Kay. Tell me if it's something like that again. Don't want to hurt him." Sephiroth closed his eyes again, and Aerith got up with a smile. The planet was much happier with this Sephiroth, and who could blame it?

XXX

A/N: Texts from last night was a huge source of inspiration to get me to write this again. Thank you to the poor dear who woke up to four full boxes of pizza in their kitchen and no clue what they had eaten the night before.

And please don't try casting Flare on your eye at home with Pop Rocks. It really hurts. Also don't eat Pop Rocks while driving.


End file.
